Tuesday, November 17, 2020

That Didn't Happened To Me...He Did That to Me

TikTok coming in hot, as always! 

It took me a long, long time to realize what happened to me wasn't my fault. Very rarely are break-ups not a two-way street but when it involves a narc, it's typically solely them that is the problem. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I should and could have done differently. I replayed every conversation to my therapist, right down to tones of voice. What was the only thing I could have done? Left at the first sign. If I had paid attention to the signs, I could have saved myself a lifetime of pain and living with this. But alas, narcs are charmers. And experts at that positive reinforcement - Yes, I called you a slut and sent you home at midnight but here's a bagel for breakfast. 

There's also a period you go through of feeling bad for them, that everything in their life led up to them suffering from cluster B personality disorders and treating women (sometimes everyone) terribly. They don't know any better, they suffered abuse, they weren't taught right from wrong, blah blah. NO. Once you are a full grown-ass adult and away from the situation in which you were brought up in it is YOUR responsibility to fix the damage and not project it onto others. 

That's how they protect themselves. By causing the same pain they experienced to others, but worse. There's a reason why many say narcs are just young kids in grown adult bodies- it's because everything got ingrained in their brain at such a young age. Now they project to protect. 

Narc TikTok is wild because no one knows each other yet we've all heard the same lines and been through the same shit. That secret narcissist handbook is so real. 

It's important to remember and note that not all assholes are narcissists, but all narcissists are assholes. There are very specific things that put people in that bucket. Same with the borderline - the 2 massive signs that were present for that in my relationship were the extreme hot and cold behavior, and the all good all bad mentality. IT WAS FUCKING EXHAUSTING!

This time of the year will always suck because I loved the holidays. Also this year #pandemic. 

BUT NOW I LOVE TIKTOK and that makes it a little better. 

What's terrible about it is that there are so many girls out there getting abused by these humans who could not give two shits about anyone. And it's even more painful when he's giving the girl he cheated on you with everything that you wanted together - the house, the kittens, the ring (speculation), the empathy. 

I've said it once, and I'll say it again: I will always rather be me, the girl who got cheated on, than the girl he cheated with and stayed with. 

I'll always want answers. The whole thing was a mindfuck especially, the end. And as my friend put it this past weekend, it is all really fucking weird. But narcissists are not exactly known for telling the truth - like when they say they're not talking to their exes. 

"Wanted you so bad that I couldn't see
The truth was sitting there in front of me
It was never love, it was never real
You wanted something to fix not something to feel
But I am not your accessory
I am not a marionette for your passenger seat
A lesson learned and now I'm free
Well your green brown eyes look like shit to me"

 I started this post a bit ago and can't find the TikTok where the title came from but it was empowering. It will take a long time to recover from the trauma. They'll probably have three kids by then. But I'll at least be free from the abuse still. 

And after all this time, I can confidently say I know what someone else did to me was NOT my fault. 


Wednesday, October 28, 2020

Onto The Next Running Goal

I love Q4 and fall in PR because things are in full swing and everyone is busy pitching their little hearts out whether it's to media for placements or to secure new clients for Q1. 

Earlier this month I finally got my "time" trial in which was really just a distance trial and making sure my legs still had it in them, considering I just stopped following my training plan (sorry coach Jessica!). 

Running in the 'burbs is just easier so I headed to LI since I had to be there for a surprise birthday dinner I planned for my mom's 60th anyway. 

Once I arrived, I grabbed my sister who was my bike support and headed out for a casual but with a little effort 13.1. 

I chose a route that ended us back home because you can't just grab a Citi Bike on Long Island when you finish your run nowhere near when you're supposed to be. It was actually a large portion of what my 10-mile training runs used to be when I lived there. 

Did it hurt? Yes. 

Did I finish? Yes.

Did I almost get run over a lot because I'm used to running in the street here and tried that on LI? Also yes. 

For today, I'm content with a 2:05 that felt like I pushed just a little, but was mostly effortless. 

There's no reason that next May, when the race I was supposed to run twice this year, presumably kicks off, that I can't surpass the goal I set. You do run fast when actually racing after all.

I'm currently nursing an injury that was given to me by a PT so am hoping with a little strength training and rest, it goes away again. Have you ever gone to the PT for a left hamstring problem and went home with a right hip injury that never existed? Just me? PT's are covered under medical malpractice so I get to live with this lovely injury now. 

I did sign up for a REAL LIVE IN PERSON 5K in two weeks so I'm pretty excited to get out there. With my hip the way it is, it's going to be a slow and steady run but it's a race nonetheless. 

So what's next?

Crushing that half marathon goal and hopefully crushing NYC. There's been no updates as to whether or not the big 2021 races will go off and we haven't been able to choose our resolution year but I'm super hopeful that I can also go for it in NYC. 

Running has been one thing that's keeping me relatively sane during this pandemic, abuse and trauma recovery and work from home. 


Friday, October 2, 2020

New Month, New Fav

How did we get to October?

September was...weird. Our least favorite duo went on another unoriginal trip that happened to include my absolute fav, my training was inconsistent, work picked up, and I have a new found love for TikTok. 

I created a TikTok account to watch a few violinists who were more active there than on Instagram. And rarely opened it but for whatever reason, last month I did. And I got sucked into my For You page which had kittens, dogs, music, dancing, etc. I couldn't look away! 

And like every good app, it must have been spying on my personal data because somewhere along the line, the algorithm started including narc abuse videos. Again, the creepiest part of narcissistic and borderline abuse is how it's all the fucking same. It blows my mind when people post about what they went through or what their narc said, and I'm like wait, I've heard that before! 

But (because the app spies let's get real, I work with a security expert), there it all was and I am obsessed. I even recorded Hasley's I Feel So Sad on the violin for it. If I knew TikTok would help me make it through the days, I would have gotten this app way earlier. 

There are so many takeaway's I could share but here are some of my favs paired with their TikToks:

1. Gaslighting is more than confusion, it's also telling you how you feel, what you want, etc. It's twisting facts. Like when mine tried to convince me I had dated someone 13 years ago I know for a 126% fact that I never did. Sorry, what? Were you there? TikTok

2. I'm not supposed to hate the new supply. I'm also not supposed to do a lot of things I know I shouldn't so we'll acknowledge and skip this. TikTok

3. Narcs notoriously re-live relationships with the next girl. It's still real shitty about this part but at least I know I'm not alone in that pain. They also don't take the time to heal in between relationships making it easy to bring along that baggage to the new girl. Especially when you cheat on someone, you're definitely never giving yourself alone time. But let's get real, the narc never did anything wrong so why would they take time to themselves? Better to love bomb, lockdown, and marry the next than better yourself! TikTok/Another

4. The aftermath is the worst. I think this video is incredibly powerful and accurate. TikTok

5. The word destroyed is used on TikTok to describe life after narc/borderline abuse more times than how many times I've said it. But...notice the suffix. TikTok

The moral of the story that I've learned from TikTok is that is doesn't matter if they are married for one or 10 years, living together, have fur (or human) babies, relive more of my relationship or whatever, narcs/borderline sufferers don't change. They learn how to hide the flags better, get better at mirroring and projecting, and keep the mask up, but unless a miracle happens, they are still the same person inside. And, a reminder that NPD/BPD are personality disorders - this is LEARNED behavior, NOT a chemical imbalance.

The beauty of the girl that was abused is that she knows who the fuck she is still. She learned all about why her behavior has been so abnormal, how it was a normal reaction to abuse, why it happens, and all of the things. The difference between the narc and the abused? The abused can glow up like you've never seen and you should be more scared of a girl who overcame abuse vs the abuser. TikTok



Friday, September 25, 2020

It's Almost "Time" Trial Time

Decided to share some past race gems

Ah, the time trial I am not prepared for. That's really going to be more like a distance trial where I hope I can get 13.1 done without dying.

While others are reading my blog on their vacation (I repeat, I am not stupid contrary to one persons' perception, also, unclear what's so interesting about me on vacation) and squirming for whatever reason (I mean, just enjoy your fantastic company), I am taking my annoyance with it out on the pavement. 

Recovering from an abusive relationship, trying to break a trauma bond, and the frustration that comes with not having recognized the red flags until a professional had to teach them to me (love bombing, gaslighting, future faking, manipulation, walking on eggshells, etc) is annoying. There's nothing comforting about knowing that there are many others who have also been targeted by narcissists and those with BPD. There are so many systems failing that make it so cluster B sufferers can just go on with their lives, targeting amazing empathetic people, and breaking them down. I've watched so many TikTok's about the effects of NPD/BPD abuse and they are all the same, and relatable. The question is always, why the fuck did you destroy me?

This was always a fitness blog so might as well pepper in some running posts.

There's one week until my "time" trial which has really turned into a distance trial.

The half marathon had finally gotten canceled but my coach, anticipating that, had already snuck a time trial on the calendar. Which I was originally excited about, but then I went rogue with my runs.

I got some decent tempos done, I crush a few hills every morning, and my stamina is strong, but I'm not ready to surpass any goals quite yet.

My speed is not where I'm comfortable to go and knock it out of the park, and the longest run I've done in awhile was 10 miles last weekend, where I fell for the first time ever! I feel like I got initiated into some sort of exclusive running club for those who were trying to figure out which way to go and tripped in a ditch and on their own feet. Oopsies (which is exactly what I said when I fell). 

So what's my plan of attack? An easy effort 13.1 on LI. What's easy effort? Solid question. I'm going to definitely push and put effort in, but I don't want to burn out. It's not a real race which means there's more work to be done this year. I'd like to see my pace at a solid 9:20 (goal pace is 8:30) to get comfortable with the distance and speed again. And with how annoyed I am, I imagine I can keep pace.

Distance runs are great for when you're in pain. Not because they also cause you more pain, but eventually you're just running and forget what's going on in your head. I'm not going to forget they went on my favorite vacation together, but I sure as fuck can take my anger out on the pavement. 

Fingers crossed I can go the distance!