Thursday, July 2, 2020

Thank You For Your Cooperation

Though my drunken mishaps may get me in trouble sometimes, they solved a problem I've had since January. 'Big Brother' is no longer watching and I appreciate that, so thanks for your cooperation. I'm glad me drinking too much, not the fact that I've written 10 blog posts asking you to stop, got through. 

It's lifted a small weight off of my shoulders (yay).

This week, I got a minor distraction from my life and sadness from excitement on my balcony. It's been the most exhilarating thing that's happened this entire quarantine.

I have a baby bird! 

Being I'm terrified of birds, it's only natural the pigeon decided my home would also be a great place to raise its baby.

I've been waiting for this thing to hatch for over three weeks. Yes, it looks like a piece of raw chicken but she's so so cute! She even tries to stand up and flap her wings. And she can't yet so it's that much more adorable. 

They say they baby pigeons will stay in the nest for about a month before they leave so I am super excited to see it learn how to walk and fly. My mom said they usually don't lay eggs near humans and I'm one of the lucky ones to have gotten them on my balcony. Sure, lucky. Not terrifying at all. My dad insists the bird is a narcissist because apparently, I attract them. THANKS PARENTS.

Baby Bird's parents are often here sitting on her. Her mom is named Go Away, and don't respond to her name, but baby bird's dad occasionally comes and he's scared of me to peaces out when I ask him. 

So in conclusion, I have a baby bird that distracted me from writing a depressing post this week and 'big brother' stopped looking at me. What a week! 


Thursday, June 25, 2020

Life's Better In Yoga Pants...The Book

Exactly 365 days later I've never felt further away from myself or devastated than I have in my entire life.

I've always loved the name of my blog and wanted to turn it into a book, I just wasn't exactly sure what it would be about. In 2012-ish I started it as a wellness and fitness blog, posting recipes, my training updates, favorite workouts, and even ways to de-stress. 

I  made a comment, just over a year ago, that I wanted to turn my blog into a book and someone rolled their eyes at the idea of the blog name and the content. Thanks for the ammo. 

Though I still have some work to do it on, I'm excited to say that Life's Better In Yoga Pants...the book is just over 1/3 done. 

Head over to and follow my author page on Instagram to stay in the loop with book-only related updates. 

If I can help at least one girl avoid, get out of, or overcome NPD/BPD abuse, then my goal was accomplished. If I can help myself overcome what I endured, then I can retire. 

Here's a sneak peek:

Never did I, a strong, independent, take-no-shit, opinionated girl think I’d become the victim of narcissistic and borderline abuse.’s 2020 and anything goes. 

Life’s Better In Yoga Pants, derived from the blog of the same name, takes young adults (or older adults!) on a humorous journey through life as a 20 something girl trying to figure it all out. Beginning the summer after college graduation and taking you through internships, getting fired, doing drugs while training for a marathon, starting side hustles, writing a blog, meeting the person who’d destroy who she was, a suicide attempt, and quarantine.

Every chapter culminates with a take-away lesson, touching on, perhaps, how to not make the mistakes that I did.

Written as a two-fold, Life’s Better In Yoga Pants is a funny recollection of my 20s, paired with how an amazing human can become a shell of her old self in a matter of minutes. Nothing is funny about abuse, but if you experienced something like I did, chances are you didn’t even know you were being abused.

You might laugh, you might cry, you might feel rage - or all 3!

But don’t forget, Life’s Better In Yoga Pants. So pull ‘em on, grab your wine (you’ll need it), and settle into your reading nook. 


Monday, June 22, 2020

Recovery Isn't Linear

The past year feels like 12 rolled into one. 

It's been an entire year since I learned about NPD. Almost two since BPD. We have been in the middle of a pandemic for over three months. And I mostly hated myself the entire past 365+4 days. 

[Me, just over a year ago]

This year was nothing short of horrific, disturbing, heartbreaking, educational, and traumatizing. 

I still don't have the right words to describe my emotions. But give me a few of these frozen to-go drinks and a bottle of wine and you just may get to hear all of my feelings (and if you're lucky, I may throw in a free Insta-like on a photo I definitely wasn't supposed to like). Seriously restaurants, let's cool it with these heavy pours. 

Currently, I still read a lot of Pinterest quotes and message boards. Sometimes they're the only things that make sense to my brain. Though it's hard to read that people still deal with the effects of this 20 years down the line, it is helpful to read that I am not the only one who has had to experience this because one of the most consistent feelings is the lonely feeling like no one has ever been through something like this. Because it's not a physical issue. 

You already know what has happened and transpired the past year but if you're new here, love of life -> gaslighted, cheated on, destroyed me -> moved in with and married (fact?) the love of his life -> he treats her like she's a human -> I got stuck trying to put my life back together, while simultaneously trying to end it. 

I never knew there were people in the world who would do something like this to others, who are unable to communicate like an adult despite being an adult, and literally judge the crap out of you for no reason except to make themselves feel better. I try to work on seeing the good in people which apparently gives me some serious rose-colored glasses. Which is ironic because everyone knows how much I need my glasses to see clearly. 

The effects of gaslighting, cheating, lying, confusion, all of the other BPD/NPD buzzwords, are no joke. Fortunately, I wasn't formally diagnosed with C-PTSD but I can assure you all of the symptoms were there. Depression is a beast I had never experienced before. Trying to end my life? 30 years of living and never a thought until January. 

Signs of cluster B abuse are subtle. You get put through serious ups and downs that end up fucking with your head. A riddle for you: If at 9 AM we are breaking up and not good for each other but at 12 PM we are going back to my favorite vacation spot in a few YEARS (implication of a future), which one is it? Which do you believe? There's a reason that it's called crazy-making.  

In addition to the scientific stuff I learned, and that the girl that I was cheated on with is essentially my twin which will never not be creepy, I learned other things. 

Like if or how many one night stands a girl may have had has 0 reflection on the goodness in her. As long as she didn't cheat on you or betray your trust, it should have 0 effect on how thoughtful, caring, kind, strong, generous, loving, etc. that she is. Oh and if she doesn't want to talk about it? She has the right to not to and you respect that. 

That reaching out to friends for help is OK even when you don't want to. Or think you don't need to.

That people can pretend for way longer than you realize. I can barely tell a small white lie without my nose flaring out giving me away, some people can pretend that are or want something else for so long. 

Trying to hide your emotions make recovery longer and harder in the long run. But long runs can help clear your head. No, I haven't lost my sense of humor. 

If someone in a relationship starts randomly accusing you of something, especially if they are NPD/BPD, chances are they are telling you what they are doing. Which means this last situation may not have been the first time he cheated on me (Chicago? Europe?). 

Find outlets to channel your depression and anger. I finally decided to write my book and it's been the most therapeutic thing. Except for realizing there's just not enough pages to document the traumatization I went through. Based on preliminary feedback, it sounds like this book may help a lot of young girls and I hope I have a positive impact on at least one person's life. 

If someone is insistent that they are a piece of shit, just believe them. Don't try to convince them otherwise. Even if you at the time didn't think they were a piece of shit and don't understand why someone could think that of themselves. 

Make a list of the things that make you interesting, that make you you. Especially the things that were taken from you. You have to be your own cheerleader and remind yourself that you are strong, funny, kind, thoughtful, caring, smart, and capable of so many things. 

You're allowed to have hobbies and goals at any age. You are allowed to wake up early and run on Saturday mornings and want to beat your times in races. You can start as many Pilates series as you want. Dreams propel us forward.

Walking on eggshells is not a quality way of life. I can't tell you how many texts I sent to friends trying to figure out what to say because god forbid I said the wrong thing and it sent off a chain of events. And no I didn't realize that's what was happening. I thought I was being mindful and respectful of another person. 

And most of all, that recovery isn't linear. It's something my therapist has been saying for a year. There are going to be huge ups and downs. Some days or weeks I'll be on top of the world, and other days I'm depressed as shit. 

In addition to my hope that one day I'll get to live my life as carefree as he (they) are, I hope that one day he'll realize the damage he did, but that requires working on one's self and unfortunately, those with NPD/BPD, lack empathy and think they do no harm, nothing is ever their fault. 

Which is how people like me end up thinking it was their fault but it never was. None of this was my doing and how someone treated me was a reflection of what they think of themselves. 

I'm glad she gets the best of him. I'm glad she doesn't know what I got put through and the truth about what happened. I don't know how I'd react if I was in that position. I do know that looking at my Instagram stories won't do her any good though. I've said it once and I'll say it again, you got my life and go enjoy it. I'm just trying to heal, there's nothing to be seen or jealous of. Unless you want to race, and in that case I'm down because my speed is coming back and I'm so excited. 

I'll always wish I got the closure, answers, and conversation that I wanted. After all that time it was the least that I could have gotten. But I never will. I'll never know why the person I chose, the one I wanted to be with forever, chose me to destroy. 

[Me, now]

But, I promised my mother that I'd live, so I am forced to move forward, and as I recover, the spiciness I used to have comes back. Watch out world. 


Friday, May 29, 2020

Summer In The City

That title reads like this would be a post about brunch, rooftop drinks, balcony BBQs, playing sports in the park, race training, fire pits with friends and weekend jaunts to the Hamptons.

If those things are pseudonyms for getting a sunburn on the roof, a drink everyday because you don't know what day it is, BBQs for one, running a bunch with no race in sight, weekend jaunts between my bedroom, living room and balcony, depression, anger and an occasional friend stopping by then yea, it sounds about right. 

"I've never been worse, thanks for asking"

I worked on a project recently and country singer Kalie Shorr contributed and I have to say, her new album is giving me some life. I said some. Trust me, you still can't get on a call or be with me in person without me being in tears at some point. Though she doesn't sing about NPD and BPD, I imagine that's harder to fit in a song vs a book, most of the album touching on her cheating ex despite other tragedies she's gone through. Twinsies. 

In one specific song, she had two different sets of lyrics that I related to (among lots of the rest of the album.

You hated when my dreams came true
'Cause they were better as just dreams to you
But what you really hated was yourself


But I'm just a mirror reflecting
And you're just an asshole projecting

I was always a girl who dreamed big, had goals, and wanted to check things off that list. Regardless of what bucket they fell into - career, running, writing, Pilates or nutrition, etc. Encountering someone who shit on my goals and thought most of anything I did was dumb was confusing. How do you try new things? How do you learn? Don't you want to achieve great things? I do. To all of the above. I knew I wanted to own a business since I was a teenager. And though said person made it his mission to destroy that too, I'll have you know that I just don't go down like that (minus Jan 3, but that's a story for chapter 14). 

And her second lyric? I fell in love with myself and the horrific things said were just thing bouncing back where they belonged. When NPD and BPD personalities target you, they know you're great. Fuck I know I'm great. I'm smart, caring, thoughtful, strong, opinionated, funny, strong-willed, hard worker, motivated, tenacious, committed, and LOYAL AF. And they mirror that back to you, so you end up falling in love with yourself, and of course, miss the abuse. And truth be told, if I hadn't been seeing my therapist since Sept 2018, and she wasn't involved the entire time, I wouldn't have known that's what it was. I'm a careful listener and once I understand everything, and did tons of research, I realized I was just on the receiving end of the projection. 

I also highly recommend Fight Like a Girl off of her first album. "I'm perfume sweet and whiskey strong. I damn sure ain't no underdog." I mean, damn straight. 

Ironically I just saw that violinist Lindsey Stirling is hosting a string sessions YouTube Live today with singer Gabby Barrett who sings the song, I Hope. I happen to like that one too. 

Whether it's playing or listening to it, it's no secret that music can help us work through things. And some days, that's the only way I make it through. 

[13.1 in the rain, not 3.1 like my fingers suggest]

I've been running with headphones too because after last summer I realized I was OK to do long, solo training runs with them in then race without them and do well. Which is great because I enjoy getting lost in the music on a bad day. 

The hardest part of most of this at this point in time? Homegirl living my best life. With the love of my life in the apartment in the neighborhood we checked out and enjoying everything I had and wanted. At least someone is happy. Quarantine definitely elevates my sadness times 93580475398. I'm looking forward to getting some of my distractions back.

I on the other hand have perfected the fake smile and learned how to say I'm fine without being questioned (I think). 

I'm excited to adventure this weekend and get the eff out of NYC for a few hours. That may mean skipping a long run but with no upcoming races on the horizon, what's there to lose?

Oh and one last thing - if you wouldn't want your man looking at his exes stuff, I think that should be a two-way street and you should stop looking at his exes stuff. When you're married (fact check needed) and living together (fact check needed but I don't think it's needed), it's probably time to stop worrying about how my life got destroyed and enjoy the one you've got.