Friday, January 29, 2021

Skip Please

Is it 2021 or 2020? I can't tell with the continuation of bullshit.

I would give anything to skip ahead to when I don't feel the effects of the narcissistic and borderline abuse, and the world was burning down in front of my eyes. But, like, that would be when I'm dead and that didn't work too well for me last time.

We're a month into the New Year and it feels no different than last, maybe even worse? I don't know.

But despite it all, I was both reminded by myself and a close friend how lucky I am. That I am no longer in an abusive relationship. That I don't have someone picking me apart every day, disrespecting me, trying to control me, and just overall putting me down. That someone is no longer trying to destroy my business. It was exhausting. And looking back at pictures, you can see how worn down I was.

I saw two really great TikTok's this week that I really liked:

Despite all of the crappy things from COVID, them living that cozy, newlywed-vibe life in BK, the blocking and of unblocking me on Insta, a slower-than-expected start to the work year, and of course my usual sadness and depression, I'm slightly better than I've been. Dare I even answer the question how are you with "good!"? Yes.

A year ago, I was still trying to crawl out of under a rock. I was definitely not quite coherent yet. Today, I'm coherent, I have talking topics, I can participate in activities (my friends are grateful!), I make significantly more jokes about the abuse vs crying about it, and I'm so grateful I will never be the subject of his hot and cold behavior ever again. (But like my emotions are still a surprise so proceed with caution)
Figuring out who I am without an abuser by my side is my goal. The reality of this is, I went from nine months of being basically dead then straight to lockdown for almost over a year. I never got the opportunity to get to know who I was in normal life.

Ultimately, abusers never change. They learn to adapt. Like a chameleon. And the more complacent their person is, the easier it is for them it is to keep their mask on. My friend sent me a quote that opened with "Not being abused by a man who abused others isn't winning some contest." And I am no longer the one who will ever have to walk on eggshells and have to guess someone else's mood or deal with emotional abuse out of nowhere. Never knowing when someone will just blow up is both terrifying and not worth one's sanity.

I am pretty pumped that I have less than six chapters to finish for Life's Better In Yoga Pants. And I'm signing my cover contract in one month!!

I'm very much looking forward to this pandemic being over, re-finding myself, becoming a better version of who I was, and discovering who I am without the person I thought was always going to be by my side. I am my father's daughter, and that should scare the shit out of anyone who thinks that if they push me down that I will stay there. 

It's wine time, so cheers to another mountain weekend!


Monday, January 4, 2021

Long Story Short - I Survived

I started 2020 basically dead. When you hit rock bottom and survive, there's really no place to go but up.

And that's just where I went.

I've recapped a lot of my year and how I've been feeling and been brutally honest about it, not hiding much of anything. That being said, and I wrote this in my Instagram post from the other day, most people use social and their blog as a highlight reel, I tend to use it as a lowlight reel. 

I think that your inner circle deserves to celebrate your wins and those who use a prominent-educational institution's Instagram account to look at Instagram stories do not. And 2020 - while it was yah know, 2020 - had some seriously awesome wins. And yep, when my mojo comes back, I can be a super petty bitch. 

I'm so very grateful for the ones who stayed by my side and never left, even when they were going through their own things. It takes some really amazing people to be able to do that. 

To ring in the New Year, I went to the Poconos and the weekend really set the tone for 2021- more adventures with great humans. I don't think I've let myself laugh like that or have that much fun in a long time. I can't wait for the adventures that this year holds. 

I deserved that. And I'm so glad I let myself have fun and not worry about my Instagram being looked at because what in the world are people looking for? Happy people in happy long-term relationships shouldn't worry about how well or not well I'm doing. All anyone really needs to know is that I'm a badass who can overcome anything.

So yea, the past year and a half has been a bad time, but long story short - I survived. And my future's looking real bright. 


Thursday, December 17, 2020

Holidaying When You Still Don't Want To Holiday

The best thing that came out of this shit show was that I have a wonderful friend who is actually into traditions and Thanksgiving will always be spent in paradise. Forever grateful for my island crew for welcoming me with open arms. 

Before last year, I was ALL about the holidays. Parties, decor, cozy little decked-out bars, just constantly being with my best friends. This is the second year where I want nothing to do with the holidays and I'm not sure if that joy will ever return. So much was stolen from me and while some of it I've been able to tug back to my side, there's still a lot that was taken to Brooklyn. 

I'm proud that I can finally, confidently, say this wasn't my fault.

Though just because I know that doesn't mean this still doesn't hurt. It doesn't erase the fact that narcissistic and borderline abuse nearly killed me. It's also the holidays so the hurt and pain is elevated x 300 for me. 

What really sucks about this year was that by March, I was doing better-ish. I was coherent, I maybe even laughed a little, I learned that my friends preferred me alive and miserable vs not alive, I was doing the things that I enjoyed without receiving exasperated sighs and snide remarks, I was reluctantly enjoying things. 

Then the pandemic rolled me back to day one, Tuesday, June 25. When you're sitting home alone, in a new apartment where you know no one in the building, and the days just keep getting longer,  you easily revert back to the "Why did he cheat on me so many times?" "Why did he cheat on me with someone who's practically my twin?" "Why did she get everything I was hoping for so quickly - moving in, cats, a future?" "Why is he re-living our relationship with her?" My brain went back to mush for so long. It was like those pregnancy pictures - 9 months into healing, then 9 months reversed.

But like my last post said, this wasn't my fault. And the fact that I can say that gives me a big W. I even brought the business he made an effort to destroy back to life during a pandemic. And there were so many more positives about this year that happened after the initial re-wallowing, and there is so much more to come. 

So no, my life and holidays will never be the same again but even when you don't want to holiday, you end up holidaying because #newapartment. And yes, my Christmas playlist is loaded with all the sad holiday songs.

Also, to whoever else needs to hear this right now, since the holidays are tough as shit, you're enough. 

If someone calls themself a piece of shit, they're telling you the truth (yes I learned this the hard way and my therapist looked at me like, he quite literally told you) and you need to take your rose-colored glasses off. Let them be someone else's piece of shit. Let them give the other person the world you wanted. Let them be with someone who is just as OK with cheating, manipulation, gaslighting, projecting, and abuse as they are. 

At the end of the day, that a win for you. 


Tuesday, November 17, 2020

That Didn't Happened To Me...He Did That to Me

TikTok coming in hot, as always! 

It took me a long, long time to realize what happened to me wasn't my fault. Very rarely are break-ups not a two-way street but when it involves a narc, it's typically solely them that is the problem. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I should and could have done differently. I replayed every conversation to my therapist, right down to tones of voice. What was the only thing I could have done? Left at the first sign. If I had paid attention to the signs, I could have saved myself a lifetime of pain and living with this. But alas, narcs are charmers. And experts at that positive reinforcement - Yes, I called you a slut and sent you home at midnight but here's a bagel for breakfast. 

There's also a period you go through of feeling bad for them, that everything in their life led up to them suffering from cluster B personality disorders and treating women (sometimes everyone) terribly. They don't know any better, they suffered abuse, they weren't taught right from wrong, blah blah. NO. Once you are a full grown-ass adult and away from the situation in which you were brought up in it is YOUR responsibility to fix the damage and not project it onto others. 

That's how they protect themselves. By causing the same pain they experienced to others, but worse. There's a reason why many say narcs are just young kids in grown adult bodies- it's because everything got ingrained in their brain at such a young age. Now they project to protect. 

Narc TikTok is wild because no one knows each other yet we've all heard the same lines and been through the same shit. That secret narcissist handbook is so real. 

It's important to remember and note that not all assholes are narcissists, but all narcissists are assholes. There are very specific things that put people in that bucket. Same with the borderline - the 2 massive signs that were present for that in my relationship were the extreme hot and cold behavior, and the all good all bad mentality. IT WAS FUCKING EXHAUSTING!

This time of the year will always suck because I loved the holidays. Also this year #pandemic. 

BUT NOW I LOVE TIKTOK and that makes it a little better. 

What's terrible about it is that there are so many girls out there getting abused by these humans who could not give two shits about anyone. And it's even more painful when he's giving the girl he cheated on you with everything that you wanted together - the house, the kittens, the ring (speculation), the empathy. 

I've said it once, and I'll say it again: I will always rather be me, the girl who got cheated on, than the girl he cheated with and stayed with. 

I'll always want answers. The whole thing was a mindfuck especially, the end. And as my friend put it this past weekend, it is all really fucking weird. But narcissists are not exactly known for telling the truth - like when they say they're not talking to their exes. 

"Wanted you so bad that I couldn't see
The truth was sitting there in front of me
It was never love, it was never real
You wanted something to fix not something to feel
But I am not your accessory
I am not a marionette for your passenger seat
A lesson learned and now I'm free
Well your green brown eyes look like shit to me"

 I started this post a bit ago and can't find the TikTok where the title came from but it was empowering. It will take a long time to recover from the trauma. They'll probably have three kids by then. But I'll at least be free from the abuse still. 

And after all this time, I can confidently say I know what someone else did to me was NOT my fault.