I've had a Chicago Marathon recap sitting in my draft box for months, unsure about pushing publish on it. Sharing that recap meant sharing about training, it meant sharing that after just two weeks of training, the love of my life left me for someone he had started seeing prior to that night, sharing how I hit none of my target paces for those remaining 16 weeks, the emotional sadness, tears and pain on top of the physical demands of marathon training, and just what it took to get on that plane. Surprise! For those who don't know.
|[Hello PR City!!]
Those emotions haven't changed.
Today I still considered not sharing any of this on the internet. I mean, for everyone to see, judge and snicker about? My friends already do that (I love them, I know they're trying to do anything and everything in their power to make me feel better). But then I saw other people sharing, namely Kayla, and thought I'd try it to see if it helps. Who knows if it will - but I'll try anything at this point.
2019 started on the highest note, and on June 25, it was a complete 180, giving me the lowest low I've ever felt. I've learned what gaslighting means, became an expert in personality clusters, discovered that people can completely erase parts of their lives and not care, they can completely ignore you, refuse closure, make you feel like nothing, and you can still love the shit out of them. And before you ask, no I've never had to deal with most of those things before.
I am so lucky to have certain friends and teammates who haven't left my side. Who are literally many sizes smaller than me and have had to physically help keep me upright. Who have listened to me day in and day out try and decipher what happened and why (spoiler alert: there has yet to be a clear, concise answer). Have you ever been on an 18-mile run in 85 degree heat with a girl who can't stop crying and keeps slowing your target pace down? Even just speaking from the view of the crying girl, it's not fun for anyone involved.
I've learned that everyone deals with things like this different ways, especially depending on how they really felt about the other person. It's ok to be really sad, and I might be for a really long time. It's OK that other people won't understand and choose to stand back. I tried to keep myself so busy - so busy trying to get through the motions of the day, to try and forget this ever happened. However, according to professionals and friends, you're not 100% supposed to do that.
I've definitely started socializing more. But don't ask me how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, if I'm dating (I went on one date, it made all of this worse), or anything you don't want the real honest answer to. Because turns out, everyone can read through "I'm Fine." I have smart friends, unfortunately.
If I had it my way, none of this would have happened and I'd still be the happy, positive go-lucky girl I was. But alas, I got no say in the matter. So, for today, we'll settle for sad, joy-less, miserable, but still doing all of the things girl (I won't say no to going out to dinner and running, 2020 half marathon PR here I come!).
I'm excited for the new clients I'm getting to work on for 2020, an upcoming collab with Athleta, continuing my networking series, teaching in the park again, and also excited to take a little break from work prior to January. Turns out being creative when you barely want to do much of anything, doesn't work that well. But the small thing that does get me out of bed is that, when you love someone you really want them to be happy, and though it's still hard, I can (sometimes) live knowing that.
I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, Hannukah and New Year's!