Thursday, December 17, 2020

Holidaying When You Still Don't Want To Holiday

The best thing that came out of this shit show was that I have a wonderful friend who is actually into traditions and Thanksgiving will always be spent in paradise. Forever grateful for my island crew for welcoming me with open arms. 

Before last year, I was ALL about the holidays. Parties, decor, cozy little decked-out bars, just constantly being with my best friends. This is the second year where I want nothing to do with the holidays and I'm not sure if that joy will ever return. So much was stolen from me and while some of it I've been able to tug back to my side, there's still a lot that was taken to Brooklyn. 

I'm proud that I can finally, confidently, say this wasn't my fault.

Though just because I know that doesn't mean this still doesn't hurt. It doesn't erase the fact that narcissistic and borderline abuse nearly killed me. It's also the holidays so the hurt and pain is elevated x 300 for me. 

What really sucks about this year was that by March, I was doing better-ish. I was coherent, I maybe even laughed a little, I learned that my friends preferred me alive and miserable vs not alive, I was doing the things that I enjoyed without receiving exasperated sighs and snide remarks, I was reluctantly enjoying things. 

Then the pandemic rolled me back to day one, Tuesday, June 25. When you're sitting home alone, in a new apartment where you know no one in the building, and the days just keep getting longer,  you easily revert back to the "Why did he cheat on me so many times?" "Why did he cheat on me with someone who's practically my twin?" "Why did she get everything I was hoping for so quickly - moving in, cats, a future?" "Why is he re-living our relationship with her?" My brain went back to mush for so long. It was like those pregnancy pictures - 9 months into healing, then 9 months reversed.

But like my last post said, this wasn't my fault. And the fact that I can say that gives me a big W. I even brought the business he made an effort to destroy back to life during a pandemic. And there were so many more positives about this year that happened after the initial re-wallowing, and there is so much more to come. 

So no, my life and holidays will never be the same again but even when you don't want to holiday, you end up holidaying because #newapartment. And yes, my Christmas playlist is loaded with all the sad holiday songs.

Also, to whoever else needs to hear this right now, since the holidays are tough as shit, you're enough. 

If someone calls themself a piece of shit, they're telling you the truth (yes I learned this the hard way and my therapist looked at me like, he quite literally told you) and you need to take your rose-colored glasses off. Let them be someone else's piece of shit. Let them give the other person the world you wanted. Let them be with someone who is just as OK with cheating, manipulation, gaslighting, projecting, and abuse as they are. 

At the end of the day, that a win for you. 


Tuesday, November 17, 2020

That Didn't Happened To Me...He Did That to Me

TikTok coming in hot, as always! 

It took me a long, long time to realize what happened to me wasn't my fault. Very rarely are break-ups not a two-way street but when it involves a narc, it's typically solely them that is the problem. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I should and could have done differently. I replayed every conversation to my therapist, right down to tones of voice. What was the only thing I could have done? Left at the first sign. If I had paid attention to the signs, I could have saved myself a lifetime of pain and living with this. But alas, narcs are charmers. And experts at that positive reinforcement - Yes, I called you a slut and sent you home at midnight but here's a bagel for breakfast. 

There's also a period you go through of feeling bad for them, that everything in their life led up to them suffering from cluster B personality disorders and treating women (sometimes everyone) terribly. They don't know any better, they suffered abuse, they weren't taught right from wrong, blah blah. NO. Once you are a full grown-ass adult and away from the situation in which you were brought up in it is YOUR responsibility to fix the damage and not project it onto others. 

That's how they protect themselves. By causing the same pain they experienced to others, but worse. There's a reason why many say narcs are just young kids in grown adult bodies- it's because everything got ingrained in their brain at such a young age. Now they project to protect. 

Narc TikTok is wild because no one knows each other yet we've all heard the same lines and been through the same shit. That secret narcissist handbook is so real. 

It's important to remember and note that not all assholes are narcissists, but all narcissists are assholes. There are very specific things that put people in that bucket. Same with the borderline - the 2 massive signs that were present for that in my relationship were the extreme hot and cold behavior, and the all good all bad mentality. IT WAS FUCKING EXHAUSTING!

This time of the year will always suck because I loved the holidays. Also this year #pandemic. 

BUT NOW I LOVE TIKTOK and that makes it a little better. 

What's terrible about it is that there are so many girls out there getting abused by these humans who could not give two shits about anyone. And it's even more painful when he's giving the girl he cheated on you with everything that you wanted together - the house, the kittens, the ring (speculation), the empathy. 

I've said it once, and I'll say it again: I will always rather be me, the girl who got cheated on, than the girl he cheated with and stayed with. 

I'll always want answers. The whole thing was a mindfuck especially, the end. And as my friend put it this past weekend, it is all really fucking weird. But narcissists are not exactly known for telling the truth - like when they say they're not talking to their exes. 

"Wanted you so bad that I couldn't see
The truth was sitting there in front of me
It was never love, it was never real
You wanted something to fix not something to feel
But I am not your accessory
I am not a marionette for your passenger seat
A lesson learned and now I'm free
Well your green brown eyes look like shit to me"

 I started this post a bit ago and can't find the TikTok where the title came from but it was empowering. It will take a long time to recover from the trauma. They'll probably have three kids by then. But I'll at least be free from the abuse still. 

And after all this time, I can confidently say I know what someone else did to me was NOT my fault. 


Wednesday, October 28, 2020

Onto The Next Running Goal

I love Q4 and fall in PR because things are in full swing and everyone is busy pitching their little hearts out whether it's to media for placements or to secure new clients for Q1. 

Earlier this month I finally got my "time" trial in which was really just a distance trial and making sure my legs still had it in them, considering I just stopped following my training plan (sorry coach Jessica!). 

Running in the 'burbs is just easier so I headed to LI since I had to be there for a surprise birthday dinner I planned for my mom's 60th anyway. 

Once I arrived, I grabbed my sister who was my bike support and headed out for a casual but with a little effort 13.1. 

I chose a route that ended us back home because you can't just grab a Citi Bike on Long Island when you finish your run nowhere near when you're supposed to be. It was actually a large portion of what my 10-mile training runs used to be when I lived there. 

Did it hurt? Yes. 

Did I finish? Yes.

Did I almost get run over a lot because I'm used to running in the street here and tried that on LI? Also yes. 

For today, I'm content with a 2:05 that felt like I pushed just a little, but was mostly effortless. 

There's no reason that next May, when the race I was supposed to run twice this year, presumably kicks off, that I can't surpass the goal I set. You do run fast when actually racing after all.

I'm currently nursing an injury that was given to me by a PT so am hoping with a little strength training and rest, it goes away again. Have you ever gone to the PT for a left hamstring problem and went home with a right hip injury that never existed? Just me? PT's are covered under medical malpractice so I get to live with this lovely injury now. 

I did sign up for a REAL LIVE IN PERSON 5K in two weeks so I'm pretty excited to get out there. With my hip the way it is, it's going to be a slow and steady run but it's a race nonetheless. 

So what's next?

Crushing that half marathon goal and hopefully crushing NYC. There's been no updates as to whether or not the big 2021 races will go off and we haven't been able to choose our resolution year but I'm super hopeful that I can also go for it in NYC. 

Running has been one thing that's keeping me relatively sane during this pandemic, abuse and trauma recovery and work from home. 


Friday, October 2, 2020

New Month, New Fav

How did we get to October?

September was...weird. Our least favorite duo went on another unoriginal trip that happened to include my absolute fav, my training was inconsistent, work picked up, and I have a new found love for TikTok. 

I created a TikTok account to watch a few violinists who were more active there than on Instagram. And rarely opened it but for whatever reason, last month I did. And I got sucked into my For You page which had kittens, dogs, music, dancing, etc. I couldn't look away! 

And like every good app, it must have been spying on my personal data because somewhere along the line, the algorithm started including narc abuse videos. Again, the creepiest part of narcissistic and borderline abuse is how it's all the fucking same. It blows my mind when people post about what they went through or what their narc said, and I'm like wait, I've heard that before! 

But (because the app spies let's get real, I work with a security expert), there it all was and I am obsessed. I even recorded Hasley's I Feel So Sad on the violin for it. If I knew TikTok would help me make it through the days, I would have gotten this app way earlier. 

There are so many takeaway's I could share but here are some of my favs paired with their TikToks:

1. Gaslighting is more than confusion, it's also telling you how you feel, what you want, etc. It's twisting facts. Like when mine tried to convince me I had dated someone 13 years ago I know for a 126% fact that I never did. Sorry, what? Were you there? TikTok

2. I'm not supposed to hate the new supply. I'm also not supposed to do a lot of things I know I shouldn't so we'll acknowledge and skip this. TikTok

3. Narcs notoriously re-live relationships with the next girl. It's still real shitty about this part but at least I know I'm not alone in that pain. They also don't take the time to heal in between relationships making it easy to bring along that baggage to the new girl. Especially when you cheat on someone, you're definitely never giving yourself alone time. But let's get real, the narc never did anything wrong so why would they take time to themselves? Better to love bomb, lockdown, and marry the next than better yourself! TikTok/Another

4. The aftermath is the worst. I think this video is incredibly powerful and accurate. TikTok

5. The word destroyed is used on TikTok to describe life after narc/borderline abuse more times than how many times I've said it. But...notice the suffix. TikTok

The moral of the story that I've learned from TikTok is that is doesn't matter if they are married for one or 10 years, living together, have fur (or human) babies, relive more of my relationship or whatever, narcs/borderline sufferers don't change. They learn how to hide the flags better, get better at mirroring and projecting, and keep the mask up, but unless a miracle happens, they are still the same person inside. And, a reminder that NPD/BPD are personality disorders - this is LEARNED behavior, NOT a chemical imbalance.

The beauty of the girl that was abused is that she knows who the fuck she is still. She learned all about why her behavior has been so abnormal, how it was a normal reaction to abuse, why it happens, and all of the things. The difference between the narc and the abused? The abused can glow up like you've never seen and you should be more scared of a girl who overcame abuse vs the abuser. TikTok



Friday, September 25, 2020

It's Almost "Time" Trial Time

Decided to share some past race gems

Ah, the time trial I am not prepared for. That's really going to be more like a distance trial where I hope I can get 13.1 done without dying.

While others are reading my blog on their vacation (I repeat, I am not stupid contrary to one persons' perception, also, unclear what's so interesting about me on vacation) and squirming for whatever reason (I mean, just enjoy your fantastic company), I am taking my annoyance with it out on the pavement. 

Recovering from an abusive relationship, trying to break a trauma bond, and the frustration that comes with not having recognized the red flags until a professional had to teach them to me (love bombing, gaslighting, future faking, manipulation, walking on eggshells, etc) is annoying. There's nothing comforting about knowing that there are many others who have also been targeted by narcissists and those with BPD. There are so many systems failing that make it so cluster B sufferers can just go on with their lives, targeting amazing empathetic people, and breaking them down. I've watched so many TikTok's about the effects of NPD/BPD abuse and they are all the same, and relatable. The question is always, why the fuck did you destroy me?

This was always a fitness blog so might as well pepper in some running posts.

There's one week until my "time" trial which has really turned into a distance trial.

The half marathon had finally gotten canceled but my coach, anticipating that, had already snuck a time trial on the calendar. Which I was originally excited about, but then I went rogue with my runs.

I got some decent tempos done, I crush a few hills every morning, and my stamina is strong, but I'm not ready to surpass any goals quite yet.

My speed is not where I'm comfortable to go and knock it out of the park, and the longest run I've done in awhile was 10 miles last weekend, where I fell for the first time ever! I feel like I got initiated into some sort of exclusive running club for those who were trying to figure out which way to go and tripped in a ditch and on their own feet. Oopsies (which is exactly what I said when I fell). 

So what's my plan of attack? An easy effort 13.1 on LI. What's easy effort? Solid question. I'm going to definitely push and put effort in, but I don't want to burn out. It's not a real race which means there's more work to be done this year. I'd like to see my pace at a solid 9:20 (goal pace is 8:30) to get comfortable with the distance and speed again. And with how annoyed I am, I imagine I can keep pace.

Distance runs are great for when you're in pain. Not because they also cause you more pain, but eventually you're just running and forget what's going on in your head. I'm not going to forget they went on my favorite vacation together, but I sure as fuck can take my anger out on the pavement. 

Fingers crossed I can go the distance!


Tuesday, September 22, 2020

Let's Talk About Healing

Why do I write all of the things about what happened to me and share them with the world?

Because I need to heal. And, for the same reason that I'm writing the book, there's probably at least one other girl out there like me who has never heard of NPD, BPD, gaslighting, future-faking, love-bombing, etc, and she deserves a fighting chance. If I had recognized any of these things, maybe I wouldn't have had to endure all of this. I do it for the old me.

When you get blindsided with no closure there is one little nagging word that never goes away, or at least it hasn't yet. 


And I know I will never get that answer. I know it won't pop up on anyone's social media, I know that only one person knows the answer, and I know that I'm not respected enough to know. But yes, I still look, hoping that something in a post will answer the question that won't go away. 

Fall vibes on point.

I've come a long way since last June, and have been able to admit and accept certain things but that doesn't mean that things still don't sting. And though I admit and accept things that doesn't mean they make sense to a normal person.

Each day I break the trauma bond a little bit more, but the 'why' always lingers. And I always take a peek to see if maybe today there is a clue, maybe today I'll get the closure I deserved. 

I was always a queen. It was never me that needed the saving.

Fortuantely, I've got plenty that I keep myself occupied with every day, even though it doesn't always seem that way on social media. Truth is, I definitely have more good days than bad now. But they say you should win in private. So that's what I'm going to do while I recover from this shit show. 


Monday, September 21, 2020

"You Can't Love Nothin' Unless There's Somethin' In It For You"

When I started this post, it was a rave review for a book I read, Charming Falls Apart. It's the fiction version of the last six chapters of Life's Better In Yoga Pants.

The key takeaway? They don't change. They cheat, they lie, they take from you, they do all of the things, and even with the girl they cheated on you with, they don't change. 

Me and the main character are twinsies. I couldn't put the book down because there were just too many similarities - public relations, running, cheating and lying exes, losing yourself and not realizing, all of the fucking things. The book was a fascinating look at the fictional version of my life and I'm curious to know where I'd be if lockdown didn't happen. 

I was doing OK going into March. Consistently hanging out with friends, being social, going to yoga and brunch. I was by no means OK or healed, but we were going somewhere. I wonder where I would be if I didn't lose all of these months of recovery, if I didn't have to start from square one again. Would I be able to say I'm happy and fine and actually mean it? Something else that was relatable in Charming Falls Apart was when the owner of the coffee shop (who the MC ends up dating in the end), told her she always looked so put together, you'd never know all of the things. I can't tell you how many times I've been told that someone didn't know something was killing me, literally, because I occasionally can hold my shit together. 

This weekend I discovered my love for TikTok and also found NPD/BPD posts in my for you feed. I have 0 idea how the algorithm works but I discovered a song by Halsey

"But you're not half the man you think that you are
And you can't fill the hole inside of you with money, girls and cars
I'm so glad I never ever had a baby with you
'Cause you can't love nothin' unless there's somethin' in it for you"

I knew the inevitable was coming, that my cheating, NPD/BPD, lying ex was taking the girl he cheated on me with to my favorite vacation spot. When I say favorite, I mean absolutely fucking adored the vacation, the location, and the company (I know, blech all you want). I couldn't wait to go back. It's the one I keep referencing in past posts where he said we'd go back in a few years. 

And of course, he did, with her. To the same spots. Posting the same pictures. Incredibly original. Though I'd like to point out, in addition to the little things, this is the second sloppy seconds-type trip he has taken her on. Though we didn't go on the first one, we talked about it twice. It was also not an original idea, but I guess third times a charm? But this is the one that stings. This was part of the future-faking that narcissists practice to keep you hooked and happy for that moment. 

In addition to reminding myself of what I wrote in the last post, that people like that never change, it's important for me to remember that he has an emotional disconnect, and nothing we did together meant anything to him. That of course he is going to take his forever everywhere to replay the things that we did because with me, it wasn't real. With her, it's reality. I was being used, a placeholder until he found someone he wanted to really enjoy those places with. 

Unfortunately for me, I got played and that trip, among other things, meant so much to me. 

Because like Halsey said, I had no warning about who he really was. 

Well, back to the TikTok, oh and work. 


Monday, September 14, 2020

Complacency Does Not = Changed

Since quarantine started and I moved, I'd only spent one night away and it was at my mother's and it was naturally a disaster, hence why I only do day-trips to see her. 

This past weekend I jumped into my Jeep with one of my girlfriends and we went on a mini-getaway to the Catskills, Phoenicia to be exact.

Wow, what a fabulous weekend! And brownie points to my friend for putting up with my whining 20-year-old car, and whining 31-year-old me.

On our way up, we stopped at the Woodstock Brewery and had outside lunch in fresh, crisp air while staring at the mountains. 

We checked into the cutest "motel" I've ever been to - The Graham & Co. Naturally, the first thing we did was buy the respective t-shirts we had each been eyeing since booking the room. 

Next? Beer and books by the pool. The sun was hot, but the saltwater pool was freezing. It was still amazing since I hadn't been in a pool all summer; We floated, read, drank, and eventually decided it was time for dinner.

At this point you should definitely start taking notes about how many times I say cute in this post, because Peekamoose Restaurant was also the cutest! 

Wanting to sit outside (mainly me because I'm a no-go on indoor dining still), we grabbed drinks at the takeaway window and went to sit in their lawn/garden area that had picnic tables and a bonfire. Even the outdoor seating area where we dined was so chic and cozy. 

We couldn't wait to get back to the hotel, not just because we were freezing but also because s'mores. We chose the smaller fire since the one on the lawn was already occupied by a group.

Breakfast was delivered to our door in the cutest little box and I want this every day. In addition to coffee, our breakfast consisted of a fresh fruit cup, Chobani yogurt, delicious granola, a banana, and the most important part of a well-balanced breakfast, an apple cider donut. 

We decided to hike before our only set activity for the weekend, which turned into a mini-off-roading trip. The trail was to Diamond Notch Falls, and it was via Diamond Notch Road. It was so serene and peaceful. The "peak" (the waterfalls) was beautiful and it we had more time, it would have been awesome to swim around. But we didn't because we were Late with a capital L. We BOOKED it back to the car, as fast as one can on shifting rocks and some obstacles. And flew to the Rail Explorers site and literally made it just before they were about to take off and we'd lose our spot and money. 

Afterwards we were absolutely starving and inhaled our personal pizzas by the pool before decided that dinner was going to be ice cream and dessert was more s'mores, and a little bit of red wine. 

Adventure day completed.

On the way home we decided to make a few stops. We walked around the very tiny town of Phoenicia and bought all of the things. Then headed over to Woodstock because #bread. Oh and also my friend had never been. Lastly, we stopped by an orchard for apple picking and a beer. 

Which, after a long-winded 43883 paragraphs brings me to the title of this post - complacency does not equal changed. Sitting at our picnic table, rehashing the weekend and all life things, we talked about how some men, especially those with personality disorders such as NPD/BPD, rarely change. Though it looks like it from the outside, they are still the same. The person they are now targeting and are with may just be more complacent than you or I was. Them being OK with behavior, knowing about past abuse, and potentially losing who they are, does not mean he changed. It's something I need to remind myself of often, and start actually believing it. 

I've always been super grateful that the one thing that wasn't stolen from me was my ambition. I never stopped thinking there weren't things I couldn't do, and never stopped trying new things, even if they failed or didn't start perfectly. Now I need to ambitiously remind myself that someone else's complacency and what they're willing to settle for, doesn't' mean he changed. There's always a common denominator even when the numerator changes. That's how things add up and you start to see patterns.

Now that I'm feeling super refreshed and am ready for my beach vacation, I'm going to take advantage before I take by two steps back.