Sunday, April 5, 2020

I'm Not Stupid

Because I've had soo much time to watch lots of TV, I saw a segment where Kerry Washington and Reese Witherspoon had to guess whether a quote was from Legally Blonde or Scandal.

I don't watch scandal but one of the quotes they did was "I am many things...but stupid is not one of them."

100% that.

If you never had the person you thought you were spending your life with scream at you that you're stupid in a context in which it didn't even belong (not that it ever does), consider yourself lucky. Because it's not cool or appropriate ever, and I highly don't recommend being on the receiving end of that.

My saving grace is that I know I'm not stupid in any way shape or form. Except maybe for believing that the person saying they loved me, we'd go back to my favorite vacation in a few years, making future plans, etc, actually meant it.

After the past few weeks of writing COVID statements for clients and keeping every aspect of my life and my employees' lives afloat, I know for a fact I'm not stupid.

[Running makes me happy]

Being quarantined while also trying to recover from something traumatic isn't um...ideal. My therapist also agrees (and my friends, and everyone who's ever dealt with this). 

Knock on wood, I'm very lucky for this to be what I'm struggling with during this pandemic. I have seen some very amazing people get handed more horrific situations than dealing with narcissistic/borderline trauma, cheating aftermath, etc. Like truly terrible things at one of the worst times. 

I am so grateful for every virtual happy hour, game night, etc, with friends who are willing to help me through this and listen. And those I get to run with in-person! I can't wait to give each and every one of you the biggest hug ever (coming from someone who is rarely touchy-feely). 
I'm not stupid and I (and no one) didn't deserve what was handed to me, or what was kept from me. 

Also, ladies, if you stand up for yourself and someone calls you stupid, that is NOT OK. 



Wednesday, March 18, 2020

What Happens When a Sad Extrovert is Stuck At Home?

[Kitty humor for dark times]

Nothing great! Except just maybe Life's Better In Yoga Pants will come out earlier than anticipated (it will be a great beach read!).

And, as someone who has been running outside in shorts, I've been playing a really fun game after every run of "are these sniffles from corona, a cold, because I was crying again or because I just ran in the rain in the cold in shorts?" Sniffles aren't a sign of corona so it's obvi one or all of the other three. 

Being home, while being sad and an extrovert, is not an ideal situation. When attempting to recover from trauma, narcissistic abuse, abandonment, etc,  mandatory almost-lockdown is my worst nightmare. And the fact of the matter is (despite that they live together, unsure of accuracy on that but based on past patterns...) they're quarantined together, and with the cutest four-legged friend. And I'm continuously left with the wtf feeling. Because, surprise, that doesn't go away. And the more you're home, and alone, the more it still doesn't make sense (even though it does because NPD/BPD actions are mostly the same over and over again).

I read this quote, a portion of a longer post, and I hope it can help put things into perspective a little more for my friends who didn't get it. One thing I've really learned is that if you haven't been through it it's impossible to understand. Even when my friend I mentioned in a previous post was going through it, I didn't quite get it until I, unfortunately, experienced it myself.

"In a healthy/non-NPD relationship, it's normal to miss the other person even after a breakup. Optimally a breakup will happen in mutual agreement (even if it was initiated by one person only) and the parties still care about each other and consider the other an important person in their life, often even try to help each other. With a narcissist, you are discarded as though you are valueless trash. It feels bewildering, it makes you question your worth as a person and takes the bottom off of the whole relationship. It is normal to seek closure, but a narcissist won't give it to you. Instead, you are left ruminating, trying to piece the puzzle on your own, and alas - you are faced with all of the lies, which leads to further ruminating. So you become stuck in this mode unless you… somehow stop ruminating."

It's incredible how hard it is to stop ruminating. It's harder to fathom the cheating. It's difficult to swallow that he was pretending the moment he met me. And the fact that I'm the only one who perceived this was real? Forget it, that's an instant downward spiral. The corona lockdown has given me way too much time to go backwards which really, really sucks because...

[Turned my live photo into a gif...shoulder shrugs = hmph]

My spring racing season was over before it started. I had two big goal races for this spring and within 30 minutes of each other on Friday that got postponed. I'm super grateful that my races didn't get completely canceled and I commend the race directors who have worked tirelessly to ensure we didn't lose hundreds of dollars. Even if that means some people will be running 5 World Marathon Majors within 2 months. 

Because life is digital now, I did a video call with my PT so we could go over a plan where I can still try to focus on my goals even when all of my goal races are now within 1.5 months of each other. 

[13.76 miles to mourn out now non-existent race season]

For now, I get to keep training as usual. One of the things we talked about was taking this extra time to figure out which speed workouts I like the most to add them into my training plan. And to not go over 10 miles for Saturday long runs. Peaking early = a very tired start to training = a terrible race season. 

I've also been told to do a lot of Pilates to combat a minor heel whip so it wouldn't hurt to come out of this lockdown with some abs. So once this weird week of exhaustion and new routine sets in, that's what I'll be doing! 

For now, it's running, work and writing. I've set up a few virtual wine dates to try and combat what's going on but I can assure you it won't be easy. Remember to check in on your friends at home going through shit alone, they're struggling! 


Saturday, March 7, 2020

New Month, Same Me

February flew by, a much welcome change from January. But the month was definitely filled with pain and sadness for a multitude of reasons. Fortunately, I had a few things to keep myself busy but as usual, it doesn't change much.

I talked to one of my best friends who I haven't had a conversation with in a long time last week. It was nice to catch up with her and get to hear a fresh perspective on things. We put bi-weekly calls on our calendars which was nice. 

For some reason, last month everyone's solution to make me feel better was "well if he did what he did to you, he'll do it to her too eventually." I don't wish this on anyone, I've said it once and I'll say it a million other times. I don't wish cheating (terrified to know exactly how many times that happened), lying (texting your ex and deleting the convo, creating random scenarios that never happened, etc), NPD, gaslighting, confusion, abrupt leaving, no closure, etc. on anyone. I don't wish what I've been feeling all these months on a single soul. 

And no he won't do it too her to, despite what everyone thinks and articles say. Why? Because if you do something so horrific and traumatizing to someone, and don't give a flying fuck that the manner in which you did something was wrong and acknowledge that, you've got to be damn sure you made the right decision (congrats girl).

What's been the only thing that's occasionally helping me? Pounding pavement. Track workouts specifically have made a difference, if only for 40 minutes a week.

I did all morning workouts this week including hills and, blech, mile repeats. After a few tempo runs Coach Jessica snuck the worst workout ever onto my cal. Reluctantly, I made my way to the track to totally crush those repeats. I ended up being under pace which felt great but it was only because I didn't check what was on the calendar before I left. 

My pace still isn't where it needs to be, but there's still 7 weeks plus a 10K race until the big day. I'm hoping to at least come within 5 minutes of my PR...if anything just for a little ego prep for fall training. 

[My new baby goat friend]

I'm excited to finally have my Athleta class locked down...and for getting more chapters in my book done! Stay tuned for more training updates and a link to the Athleta class.


Wednesday, February 26, 2020

Betrayal and Grief...The Gifts That Keep On Giving

Have you ever given someone a gift and had them spend months analyzing it? For example, wine glasses that said Yours and Mine on them. A lovely gift for the man you are essentially living with. They're nice Kate Spade glasses, you end up getting the Mine one more often and he consistently wonders out loud why that happens and what the ulterior motive is. FROM WINE GLASSES.

Betrayal and grief are gifts that just keep on giving to you. There are days you make it through without crying or pain, and then there are days you just meltdown. SO MUCH FUN. Every day is a fucking battle and so far the losing streak is far higher than the winning. The struggle is definitely similar to marathoning, you'll never breeze through the distance, or get used to it, but you can tolerate it better a little each try. Yes, I know it's hard to compare marathoning to being cheated on and my trust betrayed but it's similar according to the 29539485930 stories I've read on betrayal trauma, NPD, BPD and gaslighting. Also a weird comparison because as a distance runner, I obviously love distance running. This shit I got put through and am going through? Not so much love for it. 

One of the things that makes me the most sad is the things that say after something of this nature, you won't be the girl you were before. And that makes everything so much worse. Because I loved every ounce of me until June 25. Seriously, I've typically always thought really highly of myself for over 30 years. I'm smart, funny, kind, caring, helpful, loving, thoughtful, fun, strong, a good listener...oh and that thing that made my life go to shit - empathetic. 

When I look back on who I was I want her back so badly. She was bright, laughed so much, had a sparkle in her eyes, didn't fake smile to get people to stop asking questions, had the best time no matter what she was doing, didn't take shit from anyone, and had general excitement about life. 

[I made my own at least that's something that's not the same!]

I hope one day I get to be a fraction of that girl again. She was pretty damn bad ass. And I know she's in there somewhere still. 

It's incredible to think that just about a year ago, I was excitedly planning a surprise party for this weekend that unbeknownst to me would go unappreciated (I was told at least 3 times how unappreciated it was). I'm sure you probably already heard about how " horrible" this gift was and that I just couldn't do anything right, EVER. 

A complete side note, I'll update more with training soon! Coach Jessica made me an aggressive plan to get me to my beach 10K, then we're reevaluating the second half. The paces are fast, and there are lots of miles, and I'm super excited to do work to try to break that SIX-YEAR HALF PR. Seriously, I haven't PR'd in the half in 6 years and it's about damn time. 

I've crushed speed work, long runs and recovery runs but need to start tackling some hills since Long Island is not flat. But first, 4 weeks until that beach 10K where I hope to get top three AG award! 

Stay tuned! 


Wednesday, February 12, 2020

Girls Aren't Dirty but The A Word Is

In terms of material things, I was not spoiled growing up. But my sister and I were loved.

I was however spoiled in not knowing how cruel people were. Something I recently accused my mother of sheltering me from (yay for trauma anger).

An old friend I used to work with back when I first started my career had been through something similar and started a new blog to share her experience on. She started sharing more of her story, though I knew most bits and pieces, and I went back to re-read some of the things she wrote about, including the signs you're in an abusive relationship.

It doesn't matter how many articles you read on abusive relationships, gaslighting, cheating, NPD/BPD, etc., they don’t get any different and truth be told it doesn’t make you feel any different, especially when you miss someone and you still have trouble even fathoming half of the things you’re reading. Much less it's something that basically happened to you. 

It also doesn't matter how many times your friends and therapist try to drill things like this into your head. You can tell me all of the things but when you see someone who you love, destroy your life but treat someone else the way that they used to treat you and can't figure out why they abandoned you out of nowhere, you tend to not believe it anymore. Even when a professional you've been seeing for well over a year and a half tries so hard to convince you she is, in fact, the professional. 

Something my friend and I connected on, among other things, was the fact that we were two strong girls who got completely broken down by someone we trusted to never do that, and finding it incredible how it happened. 

Something that was comforting while we were talking was that her responses to a lot of what I was saying was SAME GIRL. Same girl. No one should ever have to go through what we went through. We shouldn't have to say same girl when talking about ways the love of our life left us and ended up treating us. But knowing that someone could relate so strongly to things I was saying meant I wasn't an anomaly.

Being cheated on and left for someone who is so incredibly eerily similar to you just adds to the confusion. And it fucking hurts. Because she's living the life I had/wanted, and I sit at home trying to figure out why I wasn't good enough. 

I still refuse to say the A word. I still would give anything for real closure and real answers. And you know what else I would always welcome (if you were ever ready). 

I hope when Life's Better In Yoga Pants, the book, comes out this summer it helps other girls know they're not alone when they don't have anyone who can relate to them. 

For now, I've got a bruised tailbone to attend to since the powder I was promised on Sunday was ice! 


Monday, February 3, 2020

To Whoever Needs To Hear This

Dear Other Girls Who Constantly Hear "But You're So Strong,"

Fuck yes, you were. You pulled yourself out of many a situation that was heartbreaking, hurtful, and unkind. You survived, you thrived and everyone watched with awe as you did so. 

You've always been so strong, they say, we never worried about whether or not you'd get through it. It was never a question! We admire your strength, it's so amazing to see how well you carry yourself. 

We've all heard that, as we're left to go about things on our own because we're the strong friend. 

Until we're not. Until we are traumatized, destroyed and in a dark place we've never seen or recognize.

But even then, it's you're so strong and you carry it so well, you totally got this girl. 

And sometimes, even the strongest girls don't. Even the girls who have reputations of taking shit from no one can choose to try to end it all on a cool January evening exactly one month ago. 

Sometimes, we don't come out on the other side. Sometimes the trauma is so horrific, that we are stuck, not strong. 

It's easy to dwell on how amazing and strong you were before whatever happened to you happened. How could you let whatever it was happen? This wasn't me. 

Sometimes you don't even realize. 

And most of all, you're amazing friends don't even begin to comprehend how bad your pain is. 


Because you're the strong friend who can power through anything.

Whoever needs to hear this, it's OK to not be the strong friend sometimes. It's OK if your trauma and pain is too much and you need to let your friends try to put you back together. Whether successful or not. You don't always have to wear that smile or pretend you're OK. But you know you will try.

Sometimes even the girl who takes shit from no one is also the girl hysterical on the kitchen floor. 

And that is a-OK. 


Wednesday, January 29, 2020

It's Still January...

I know I'm not the only one who has felt like January has been approximately 3595794867 days long. Bad things happened, then really really really bad things happened, then my friends stepped in, and then I was even sadder, and now I'm just normal sad. And still alive.


What I have learned is that you are allowed to be really fucking sad and hurt, have your life destroyed, miss the shit out of someone while simultaneously also looking great, running well and doing activities. Being happy and OK does not have to be synonymous with those things. Which is great because SURPRISE THIS IS WHO I AM NOW. And I'll be lucky if it ever goes away. 

Also, I don't wish this shit on anyone (nope, as much as I'm not a fan, not even YOU. But know how lucky you are and cherish it.). No one deserves this. 

So with that being said, what are some things I'm unhappily doing?

I'm writing a book! I've always loved my blog name and wanted to do more with it. So here we are. It's personal. It's funny. It's sassy. It's short. It will be self-published. I'm working with a cool artist on the cover. 

Running a beach race with some pretty hefty goals for someone who doesn't regularly run on the beach. Nothing could possibly go wrong during a 10K that starts at 6:37 AM. 

Attending a Y7 headstand and crow workshop! A few years ago I was really close to my headstand but need some extra guidance while practicing. I'm looking forward to getting some pointers on how to hold crow longer too. 

I'm really, really lucky to have friends who are willing to continue to do whatever it takes to help. Runners are a different breed of people and I'm proud to be part of that crew. I know my life and myself will never be the same, and even though I always wish none of this happened, I can't change that it did (despite all my efforts). One person holds the key to the door with all of the answers (it's clearly not me or else I wouldn't be writing this post, duh). 

So temporary distractions like running, yoga, writing, and friends sandwiched between the sadness will have to suffice for now.