Wednesday, February 26, 2020

Betrayal and Grief...The Gifts That Keep On Giving

Have you ever given someone a gift and had them spend months analyzing it? For example, wine glasses that said Yours and Mine on them. A lovely gift for the man you are essentially living with. They're nice Kate Spade glasses, you end up getting the Mine one more often and he consistently wonders out loud why that happens and what the ulterior motive is. FROM WINE GLASSES.

Betrayal and grief are gifts that just keep on giving to you. There are days you make it through without crying or pain, and then there are days you just meltdown. SO MUCH FUN. Every day is a fucking battle and so far the losing streak is far higher than the winning. The struggle is definitely similar to marathoning, you'll never breeze through the distance, or get used to it, but you can tolerate it better a little each try. Yes, I know it's hard to compare marathoning to being cheated on and my trust betrayed but it's similar according to the 29539485930 stories I've read on betrayal trauma, NPD, BPD and gaslighting. Also a weird comparison because as a distance runner, I obviously love distance running. This shit I got put through and am going through? Not so much love for it. 

One of the things that makes me the most sad is the things that say after something of this nature, you won't be the girl you were before. And that makes everything so much worse. Because I loved every ounce of me until June 25. Seriously, I've typically always thought really highly of myself for over 30 years. I'm smart, funny, kind, caring, helpful, loving, thoughtful, fun, strong, a good listener...oh and that thing that made my life go to shit - empathetic. 

When I look back on who I was I want her back so badly. She was bright, laughed so much, had a sparkle in her eyes, didn't fake smile to get people to stop asking questions, had the best time no matter what she was doing, didn't take shit from anyone, and had general excitement about life. 

[I made my own at least that's something that's not the same!]

I hope one day I get to be a fraction of that girl again. She was pretty damn bad ass. And I know she's in there somewhere still. 

It's incredible to think that just about a year ago, I was excitedly planning a surprise party for this weekend that unbeknownst to me would go unappreciated (I was told at least 3 times how unappreciated it was). I'm sure you probably already heard about how " horrible" this gift was and that I just couldn't do anything right, EVER. 

A complete side note, I'll update more with training soon! Coach Jessica made me an aggressive plan to get me to my beach 10K, then we're reevaluating the second half. The paces are fast, and there are lots of miles, and I'm super excited to do work to try to break that SIX-YEAR HALF PR. Seriously, I haven't PR'd in the half in 6 years and it's about damn time. 

I've crushed speed work, long runs and recovery runs but need to start tackling some hills since Long Island is not flat. But first, 4 weeks until that beach 10K where I hope to get top three AG award! 

Stay tuned! 


Wednesday, February 12, 2020

Girls Aren't Dirty but The A Word Is

In terms of material things, I was not spoiled growing up. But my sister and I were loved.

I was however spoiled in not knowing how cruel people were. Something I recently accused my mother of sheltering me from (yay for trauma anger).

An old friend I used to work with back when I first started my career had been through something similar and started a new blog to share her experience on. She started sharing more of her story, though I knew most bits and pieces, and I went back to re-read some of the things she wrote about, including the signs you're in an abusive relationship.

It doesn't matter how many articles you read on abusive relationships, gaslighting, cheating, NPD/BPD, etc., they don’t get any different and truth be told it doesn’t make you feel any different, especially when you miss someone and you still have trouble even fathoming half of the things you’re reading. Much less it's something that basically happened to you. 

It also doesn't matter how many times your friends and therapist try to drill things like this into your head. You can tell me all of the things but when you see someone who you love, destroy your life but treat someone else the way that they used to treat you and can't figure out why they abandoned you out of nowhere, you tend to not believe it anymore. Even when a professional you've been seeing for well over a year and a half tries so hard to convince you she is, in fact, the professional. 

Something my friend and I connected on, among other things, was the fact that we were two strong girls who got completely broken down by someone we trusted to never do that, and finding it incredible how it happened. 

Something that was comforting while we were talking was that her responses to a lot of what I was saying was SAME GIRL. Same girl. No one should ever have to go through what we went through. We shouldn't have to say same girl when talking about ways the love of our life left us and ended up treating us. But knowing that someone could relate so strongly to things I was saying meant I wasn't an anomaly.

Being cheated on and left for someone who is so incredibly eerily similar to you just adds to the confusion. And it fucking hurts. Because she's living the life I had/wanted, and I sit at home trying to figure out why I wasn't good enough. 

I still refuse to say the A word. I still would give anything for real closure and real answers. And you know what else I would always welcome (if you were ever ready). 

I hope when Life's Better In Yoga Pants, the book, comes out this summer it helps other girls know they're not alone when they don't have anyone who can relate to them. 

For now, I've got a bruised tailbone to attend to since the powder I was promised on Sunday was ice! 


Monday, February 3, 2020

To Whoever Needs To Hear This

Dear Other Girls Who Constantly Hear "But You're So Strong,"

Fuck yes, you were. You pulled yourself out of many a situation that was heartbreaking, hurtful, and unkind. You survived, you thrived and everyone watched with awe as you did so. 

You've always been so strong, they say, we never worried about whether or not you'd get through it. It was never a question! We admire your strength, it's so amazing to see how well you carry yourself. 

We've all heard that, as we're left to go about things on our own because we're the strong friend. 

Until we're not. Until we are traumatized, destroyed and in a dark place we've never seen or recognize.

But even then, it's you're so strong and you carry it so well, you totally got this girl. 

And sometimes, even the strongest girls don't. Even the girls who have reputations of taking shit from no one can choose to try to end it all on a cool January evening exactly one month ago. 

Sometimes, we don't come out on the other side. Sometimes the trauma is so horrific, that we are stuck, not strong. 

It's easy to dwell on how amazing and strong you were before whatever happened to you happened. How could you let whatever it was happen? This wasn't me. 

Sometimes you don't even realize. 

And most of all, you're amazing friends don't even begin to comprehend how bad your pain is. 


Because you're the strong friend who can power through anything.

Whoever needs to hear this, it's OK to not be the strong friend sometimes. It's OK if your trauma and pain is too much and you need to let your friends try to put you back together. Whether successful or not. You don't always have to wear that smile or pretend you're OK. But you know you will try.

Sometimes even the girl who takes shit from no one is also the girl hysterical on the kitchen floor. 

And that is a-OK.