Wednesday, February 26, 2020

Betrayal and Grief...The Gifts That Keep On Giving

Have you ever given someone a gift and had them spend months analyzing it? For example, wine glasses that said Yours and Mine on them. A lovely gift for the man you are essentially living with. They're nice Kate Spade glasses, you end up getting the Mine one more often and he consistently wonders out loud why that happens and what the ulterior motive is. FROM WINE GLASSES.

Betrayal and grief are gifts that just keep on giving to you. There are days you make it through without crying or pain, and then there are days you just meltdown. SO MUCH FUN. Every day is a fucking battle and so far the losing streak is far higher than the winning. The struggle is definitely similar to marathoning, you'll never breeze through the distance, or get used to it, but you can tolerate it better a little each try. Yes, I know it's hard to compare marathoning to being cheated on and my trust betrayed but it's similar according to the 29539485930 stories I've read on betrayal trauma, NPD, BPD and gaslighting. Also a weird comparison because as a distance runner, I obviously love distance running. This shit I got put through and am going through? Not so much love for it. 

One of the things that makes me the most sad is the things that say after something of this nature, you won't be the girl you were before. And that makes everything so much worse. Because I loved every ounce of me until June 25. Seriously, I've typically always thought really highly of myself for over 30 years. I'm smart, funny, kind, caring, helpful, loving, thoughtful, fun, strong, a good listener...oh and that thing that made my life go to shit - empathetic. 

When I look back on who I was I want her back so badly. She was bright, laughed so much, had a sparkle in her eyes, didn't fake smile to get people to stop asking questions, had the best time no matter what she was doing, didn't take shit from anyone, and had general excitement about life. 

[I made my own at least that's something that's not the same!]

I hope one day I get to be a fraction of that girl again. She was pretty damn bad ass. And I know she's in there somewhere still. 

It's incredible to think that just about a year ago, I was excitedly planning a surprise party for this weekend that unbeknownst to me would go unappreciated (I was told at least 3 times how unappreciated it was). I'm sure you probably already heard about how " horrible" this gift was and that I just couldn't do anything right, EVER. 

A complete side note, I'll update more with training soon! Coach Jessica made me an aggressive plan to get me to my beach 10K, then we're reevaluating the second half. The paces are fast, and there are lots of miles, and I'm super excited to do work to try to break that SIX-YEAR HALF PR. Seriously, I haven't PR'd in the half in 6 years and it's about damn time. 

I've crushed speed work, long runs and recovery runs but need to start tackling some hills since Long Island is not flat. But first, 4 weeks until that beach 10K where I hope to get top three AG award! 

Stay tuned! 


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