Thursday, April 23, 2020

Oh You Know, Just Still Quarantined

How's your quarantine going? That's how I feel about mine. So grateful my sister really knows how to capture a moment. 

But let's get real, I've felt like blah for double digits months at this point. 

After my therapist commented on how long my hair was and I told her I really can't wait for a haircut but I'm not a moron willing to risk my life or others' for it, we finally had a conversation where she didn't want to hang up on me (at least I don't think).  

There are no easy ways to explain what it's like to be used, to be a placeholder for someone else, to not know what was going on behind your back by someone you trusted, and the horror that followed that terrible evening. 

Sharing my impending birthday with the human that I was cheated on with just adds to how fucking amazing quarantine is. You'll read more about my thoughts on this in Life's Better In Yoga Pants. This is quite the 180 from it will be "just me, you and Lily (<-cat) next year." 

Because I love science, my therapist sometimes lets me put things together and learn on my own. She is obviously the professional with more medical degrees than I will ever have so her answers are clearly correct and final, but I've been right about many things (yay but also boo). 

It was the first time I've gotten on the phone and didn't question her reasoning of the NPD and BPD. Being home alone leaves me a lot of time to go down research rabbit holes and sometimes things just fucking click. The stars align. And I've been more accepting of that lately. No one wants these things to click. No one asks for abuse or to be used, to be gaslighted. But when it finally clicks, there's a minuscule amount of weight lifted off of your shoulders. 

I know that I'm a good writer and when 10+ eyes are on something, and their hearts are breaking just reading it and their feedback includes the words powerful, strong, honest, sad, etc, and the only person who negatively reacts (which we all know was an inappropriate reaction to the contents) to it is the recipient, I know what my therapist is saying is correct. 

And her interpretation of my last blog post was spot on.  It helped restore my confidence as I was listening to her explain what she thought it was meant to mean.

No, it doesn't make things less painful or sad. It doesn't change anything. But it helps some days.

[A dinner image instead of brunch]

What feels like many moons ago, a great friend of mind stared at me as a bawled my eyes out over brunch and made it very clear that "you are not the type of girl to be controlled."

And that's true and can be echoed by my friends, parents and therapist. And myself. 

We already know it's repeat behavior. But cycles can be broken. It's like consistently running the same pace in a race that you want to PR in. Then boom the cycle gets broken and you cruised your way to a new goal. I hope she did break the cycle (don't forget I'm on team they got 👰). I hope she never has to envision living the rest of her life the way I will. 

Since I gave you a running analogy it's only fitting I talk about running, as runners do. 

I was supposed to be using this canceled season as a time to figure out which speed workouts I like the best and what we'd focus on for fall training. 


I have been in 0 mood to do an actual speed workout. However, I have been adding tempos to some of my morning runs, like today's 3-miler that looked like a warm-up, goal half marathon race pace mile, and an easy-ish mile. To be honest, my paces have been looking pretty good from what they were. 

I'm sad that I won't be on the starting line to my goal half marathon in one week. I was excited to see what I had in me after a strong training cycle. But I know this added time means I'm just getting better, faster and stronger and when I do get to race it, I get to make an even fast goal. 

Silver motherfucking linings. 

[Meet Chloe - my baby sourdough starter]

I'm really excited to see my book come together more, including almost nailing down a cover artist. And since beaches are closed for the summer, it's now going to be your perfect balcony read. 


Friday, April 10, 2020

Your New Normal Is What My New Normal Has Been

Feeling a bit anxious? Confused? Unsure if this is real life? Depressed? Scared? Like something blindsided you out of nowhere? Cry a lot? Suicidal? Like nothing will ever be the same again? Like something traumatic just happened to you and you're just insanely confused? Like no one can relate to exactly what you're feeling? Hoping for answers you'll never receive? Unsure how to accept that this is happening and real (Cuomo just said a version of this)?

Your new normal is what my new normal has been since the evening of June 25.

You may not have experienced the love of your life leaving you, cheating on you, like you were yesterday's trash, been gaslighted, lied to, got a first-row seat to NPD and BPD abuse, or watched what you thought was a wonderful life crash down. I know how hard that is to relate to when it's not something directly affecting you. I know most of my friends couldn't grasp a lot of it. Fuck, I still don't understand a lot of it. The aftermath is the worst, most loneliest part. 

But what you're feeling right now because of this pandemic. What you've been tweeting about, posting on Facebook, doing Instagram lives about. Your new reality. Wondering what the future will look like. Will life ever be the same again. Feeling overly emotional. Unsure how to talk to friends. Hurt, sad and confused. 

This is the new normal you didn't understand when I talked about it because it wasn't your reality. It's the new normal I've been living in. And it's the new normal we are now living together and that fucking sucks. 

I'd never want anyone to feel those things I've felt and been feeling. They're pretty shitty things. That everyone now gets the pleasure to experience. At least it's a collective group. 

But I hope there's a little more compassion when I, or anyone else you know or will come to meet, tries to put these feeling and thoughts into words (trust me, it's so hard to actually put what's going on in your head and heart into words when it's all hurt and pain), and share with you. Just as you are shocked that something like that happened to someone you actually know, the person, especially if they are known for being a super strong, independent human, is just as shocked. 

Feeling like it's hard to look ahead? Yep. But right now, we have my favorite season to look forward to. And even during the worst of times, the beach has always been my happy place. Whether it's with friends or solo. 

Also, speaking of the beach, Life's Better In Yoga Pants will be a great beach read ;)


Sunday, April 5, 2020

I'm Not Stupid

Because I've had soo much time to watch lots of TV, I saw a segment where Kerry Washington and Reese Witherspoon had to guess whether a quote was from Legally Blonde or Scandal.

I don't watch scandal but one of the quotes they did was "I am many things...but stupid is not one of them."

100% that.

If you never had the person you thought you were spending your life with scream at you that you're stupid in a context in which it didn't even belong (not that it ever does), consider yourself lucky. Because it's not cool or appropriate ever, and I highly don't recommend being on the receiving end of that.

My saving grace is that I know I'm not stupid in any way shape or form. Except maybe for believing that the person saying they loved me, we'd go back to my favorite vacation in a few years, making future plans, etc, actually meant it.

After the past few weeks of writing COVID statements for clients and keeping every aspect of my life and my employees' lives afloat, I know for a fact I'm not stupid.

[Running makes me happy]

Being quarantined while also trying to recover from something traumatic isn't um...ideal. My therapist also agrees (and my friends, and everyone who's ever dealt with this). 

Knock on wood, I'm very lucky for this to be what I'm struggling with during this pandemic. I have seen some very amazing people get handed more horrific situations than dealing with narcissistic/borderline trauma, cheating aftermath, etc. Like truly terrible things at one of the worst times. 

I am so grateful for every virtual happy hour, game night, etc, with friends who are willing to help me through this and listen. And those I get to run with in-person! I can't wait to give each and every one of you the biggest hug ever (coming from someone who is rarely touchy-feely). 
I'm not stupid and I (and no one) didn't deserve what was handed to me, or what was kept from me. 

Also, ladies, if you stand up for yourself and someone calls you stupid, that is NOT OK.