Friday, May 29, 2020

Summer In The City

That title reads like this would be a post about brunch, rooftop drinks, balcony BBQs, playing sports in the park, race training, fire pits with friends and weekend jaunts to the Hamptons.

If those things are pseudonyms for getting a sunburn on the roof, a drink everyday because you don't know what day it is, BBQs for one, running a bunch with no race in sight, weekend jaunts between my bedroom, living room and balcony, depression, anger and an occasional friend stopping by then yea, it sounds about right. 

"I've never been worse, thanks for asking"

I worked on a project recently and country singer Kalie Shorr contributed and I have to say, her new album is giving me some life. I said some. Trust me, you still can't get on a call or be with me in person without me being in tears at some point. Though she doesn't sing about NPD and BPD, I imagine that's harder to fit in a song vs a book, most of the album touching on her cheating ex despite other tragedies she's gone through. Twinsies. 

In one specific song, she had two different sets of lyrics that I related to (among lots of the rest of the album.

You hated when my dreams came true
'Cause they were better as just dreams to you
But what you really hated was yourself


But I'm just a mirror reflecting
And you're just an asshole projecting

I was always a girl who dreamed big, had goals, and wanted to check things off that list. Regardless of what bucket they fell into - career, running, writing, Pilates or nutrition, etc. Encountering someone who shit on my goals and thought most of anything I did was dumb was confusing. How do you try new things? How do you learn? Don't you want to achieve great things? I do. To all of the above. I knew I wanted to own a business since I was a teenager. And though said person made it his mission to destroy that too, I'll have you know that I just don't go down like that (minus Jan 3, but that's a story for chapter 14). 

And her second lyric? I fell in love with myself and the horrific things said were just thing bouncing back where they belonged. When NPD and BPD personalities target you, they know you're great. Fuck I know I'm great. I'm smart, caring, thoughtful, strong, opinionated, funny, strong-willed, hard worker, motivated, tenacious, committed, and LOYAL AF. And they mirror that back to you, so you end up falling in love with yourself, and of course, miss the abuse. And truth be told, if I hadn't been seeing my therapist since Sept 2018, and she wasn't involved the entire time, I wouldn't have known that's what it was. I'm a careful listener and once I understand everything, and did tons of research, I realized I was just on the receiving end of the projection. 

I also highly recommend Fight Like a Girl off of her first album. "I'm perfume sweet and whiskey strong. I damn sure ain't no underdog." I mean, damn straight. 

Ironically I just saw that violinist Lindsey Stirling is hosting a string sessions YouTube Live today with singer Gabby Barrett who sings the song, I Hope. I happen to like that one too. 

Whether it's playing or listening to it, it's no secret that music can help us work through things. And some days, that's the only way I make it through. 

[13.1 in the rain, not 3.1 like my fingers suggest]

I've been running with headphones too because after last summer I realized I was OK to do long, solo training runs with them in then race without them and do well. Which is great because I enjoy getting lost in the music on a bad day. 

The hardest part of most of this at this point in time? Homegirl living my best life. With the love of my life in the apartment in the neighborhood we checked out and enjoying everything I had and wanted. At least someone is happy. Quarantine definitely elevates my sadness times 93580475398. I'm looking forward to getting some of my distractions back.

I on the other hand have perfected the fake smile and learned how to say I'm fine without being questioned (I think). 

I'm excited to adventure this weekend and get the eff out of NYC for a few hours. That may mean skipping a long run but with no upcoming races on the horizon, what's there to lose?

Oh and one last thing - if you wouldn't want your man looking at his exes stuff, I think that should be a two-way street and you should stop looking at his exes stuff. When you're married (fact check needed) and living together (fact check needed but I don't think it's needed), it's probably time to stop worrying about how my life got destroyed and enjoy the one you've got. 


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