Monday, May 11, 2020

This is 31.

If one year ago today you told me I'd be recovering from NBD/BPD abuse, January 3rd, and also be in quarantine for my next birthday I'd most definitely have thought you were losing it.
Apparently, I would have been the one in the wrong. Today is not "just me, you, and Lily." It's you, Lily, and the girl you snuck around with behind my back, who among other eery similarities, is also celebrating a birthday today.

However, I made it through birthday 2011 and I'll make it through birthday 2020.

It's an accomplishment that I'm alive to see this birthday.

I've learned a lot this year about things I never wanted to learn about, that most people never should have to know about.

And as my therapist so nicely put it last week, you're going through a traumatic breakup during a pandemic. What a delightful combo!! HOW FUCKING LUCKY AM I?!!

BUT despite the gaslighting, being cheated on, the straight-up confusion, being used, there were some highlights! I said some, definitely not 31 like I'd normally be able to list out.

Ran a race in Florida and didn't pass out from the heat and 7 AM.

Went to Jones Beach Theater for the first time, naturally to see Luke Bryan.

Successfully trained for a marathon through what was one of the hottest NYC summers. Hello lots of 4 AM wake up calls!

Hiked to some ice caves.

Somehow pulled off a 15-min marathon PR and sub 4:30.

Deliriously hosted Friendsgiving for the first time in a few years.

Hosted a fashion week lounge.

Started to get rid of some of the unexplainable weight I had gained.

Took Pilates and PR, and my best friend, to Chicago.


Smiled and celebrated running accomplishments that were fought for.


Cultivated new friendships that helped propel me forward during this traumatic time.


Visited a friend who has become an even better friend, and let me invade her friendships, in St. Croix.

Began getting my speed back in preparation for some goal races.

Did Pilates in a salt room.

Learned how to accept help from others.

Finally got back on my snowboard.

Got my footing back at work.

Bought a plant!

I don't know what the next year holds for me. The goal right now is to get out of quarantine alive, and perhaps do some of the homework assignments my therapist assigns. I am so lucky to have the support system I have (friends, family, and strangers) who have been so patient and understanding.

For today, on my 31st birthday, I'll fight back the pain and tears while I sit in quarantine alone, with my Jack Honey and lemonade and rainbow cookie cake. Maybe one day I'll feel better, maybe I won't. Only time will tell. This year is a complete 180 from anything I could have ever imagined and I'm just taking life day by day.


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