Wednesday, July 8, 2020

I'm A Mood

My therapist is on vacation for the next two weeks so you're in for a real treat. 

After speaking with my therapist, there's usually a solid 36-48 hours where you can get me in a good, giddy mood. I'm super positive, alert, productive, and if there's something you want to talk to me about that's important, that window is when to do it. Because I almost immediately revert back to my sad depressed self.

To be fair and honest, I've been having a shit week and my mind has wandered. Someone recently wrote a heartfelt comment on another post that a male she knew was going through the same thing as me and my heart really goes out to him. The ups and downs of the aftermath are brutal. It's such a painful thing. And all of your activities suffer - work, violin, running, etc. All the good stuff that I spend money on! 

Yesterday, I had to cut a practice session short because my head was elsewhere. Why? Who the fuck knows. I wish I knew why my brain wanders when it does but my brain got hijacked by a borderline narcissist who thinks what he did is hilarious. I'm sure it's super funny to watch one of the strongest, independent, loyal girls completely collapse and be a shell of herself. She's also thrilled about this. 

Quarantine seems like it's never going to end which is beyond frustrating to me. Mainly because there's no past material out there on how to make it through a pandemic, alone, while attempting to recover from being cheated on, gaslighted, blah blah read my past posts. Turns out, none of this is normal. Yay, go me! 

Something to remember, whether you are a friend of someone who has or is dealing with this, or is the person going through this, is that this is not just another heartbreak. We were tricked into forgetting who we were, how strong we were, the things we were good at, the things we liked, we were stolen from. It's more than an attack on our hearts, it was our souls. Someone saw the goodness in us and said fuck that, if I hate me, I'm going to make them hate themselves too. Then, I'm going to find someone else, leave unexpectedly almost two years in, and they'll never see it coming and I'll never tell them anything. 

Telling someone you hate their nose ring months after you're together and said I love you, when that person had that nose ring when they met you, isn't OK. The same with earrings or tattoos. Girls are not dirty because they had a past before you. And judging them on that past says more about you than it says about her. 

I don't know what's in the air this week, but I am a mood. And it's shitty that there are still so many more days like this. 

Practicing, running, work and SUPing doesn't stop because I hate myself and life. Even if I'm performing none of those things well. 

Sometimes they give me good blog content though! 


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