Sunday, July 12, 2020

You'll Wonder If You've Lost Your Mind

I know that Alice is not in wonderland. I know she is having a completely different experience than I did. The one that I thought I had and would have forever. 

When I was at drinks with a friend the other night I was telling her about how Kalie Shorr's new album was giving me life, I wrote about it a few posts ago. There's a set of lyrics that reflect what gaslighting does and why, with NPD and BPD, you get this strange gut feeling that something is off, but you don't know what or why. 

"Oh, you'll wonder if you're good enough
Or if you're the only one
You'll wonder if he's lying again
You'll wonder if you've lost your mind
Wonder why you wonder why
Trust me, I understand
Hey Alice, how is Wonderland?"

It's Sunday and I still can't pinpoint what's going on with me this week. Maybe it's knowing that I have no access to my therapist for another week. Or maybe it's just a setback. The waves of pain and sadness come and go. 

And it's especially sucky when those waves knock you down when you actually have a few things to be happy about and celebrate.

It's taken me over a year to realize that no, I wasn't losing my mind, no I wasn't the only girl (not just at the end, the whole time), yes there were lies, and I was wondering why because I had solid reasons to wonder why. And it's going to take me even longer to truly become a fraction of who I was and really make sense of how my life went from amazing to over. Maybe with my love of science, I can study the brain and try to come up with a medication that helps those who got targeted by NPD/BPD humans. Seriously, it changes the chemicals in your brain. 

When I was hiking today I mentioned that it took me a long time to realize that I can be a girl, like sports and also wear dresses. I've always been one to play sports in a dress or run in heels because I can. When I was in 7th grade I was a super tomboy - I wore blue sneakers, blue track pants, and a blue long sleeve shirt on the first day of school. 

I've never fit in with a specific crowd and I've always embraced that and loved it because it meant I knew a lot of cool people. I enjoy beach sports, winter sports, hiking up a mountain, riding on motorcycles, and running, but I also enjoy wearing dresses and heels, playing the violin, baton twirling, lighting off fireworks, wineries but also breweries, tattoos, being unapologetic and all kinds of adventures. And guess fucking what? Contrary to one persons belief, I am allowed to enjoy all of those things simultaneously. And, girls aren't dirty because they had sex with someone or someones prior to you. 

That's all for today. 


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