Wednesday, August 19, 2020

Chasing 3:50

I bet you are shocked to see a running post on here given the past 13.5 months. Crazy it's been so long but it still feels like yesterday, in a multitude of ways.

However, the one thing that has been consistent is that I have been running. Mainly because when the thing that happened happened, I was in the middle of marathon training. And it's the one thing I never stopped. 

I still have two fall races that aren't canceled. One I'm bailing on because an island is calling my name and it's my new yearly tradition. I tried to make a tradition with SOMEONE before and they weren't having it, grateful I have friends who are into them. And the other one, I'm not quite sure what I'm doing. I want to race but I also had a massive time goal that I don't think I'll come close to. I'm working with Coach Jessica to figure out what we'll decide on. My speed work is going well so we need to work on stamina for runs 8+ miles.

Another reason we're making big goals? Because my heart hurts so incredibly bad so we're trying to distract the pain. I can't even describe the amount of pain I feel knowing their living out the life I thought we'd have together. Once, I even suggested adopting a kitten so Lily could have a friend, and I could get my own kitten. Lo and behold, guess what they got? It is gut-wrenching between the vacations, hiking spots, animals, apartment, etc, to know that she's doing everything we've done, discussed or I was hoping for. She is the love of his life, and he is the love of mine, but it's no secret that I never win. Maybe in my next life. My saving grace (or I fucking hope)? Neither of them has access to know what ring I wanted even though I did share a color once,

Which is why creating these big goals gives me a win. Because if I train for this time, then hopefully I'll come close, which is a PR, and that is a win. 

This week has been filled with a shit ton of tears and pain. On to the next. 


Thursday, August 13, 2020

How Do You Sleep At Night?

I'm seriously obsessed with the Dixie Chicks new album Gaslighter (blog post title song is Sleep At Night). I know I mentioned it a few posts back but it's totally on par with Kalie Shorr's Open Book.

It's embarrassing to be the one who was gaslighted and cheated on. On top of that, even after I knew about the cheating, I was still lied to about it. Mortifying. Seriously, listen to this album. It's incredibly relatable.

It's consistently brought to my attention that I'm strong, stubborn, uncontrollable, etc. All of the things that make me a bad fit for someone who seeks to control others. I mean, yea it worked for a hot minute, but as soon as I stood my ground on the word no, my world fell apart and the secrets came out.

With my distractions taken away, it's easy to revert back to old thinking and habits. I came across an email the other day from one of the first times someone suggested there was a psychological issue in the way he was reacting to things. That you don't just turn love on and off within a few days. I tried to justify it and say oh well, we had just gotten back from my favorite vacation (the one he's taking her on) and I guess that's just how it works. That same week multiple people had suggested similar variations from schizophrenia to bipolar disorder. The strangest part is that none of these people knew each other, so they didn't collectively come up with those things. I talk more about this in the book. We now know about BPD and NPD. Unclear as to which of these four things is worse. 

All I know is that the result is me devastated, hurt, and confused. Them, happy, married, with new pets, living their best lives. Crazy how the person who did all of the bad things to someone gets to be cleared of any wrongdoing and pretend that portion of their life didn't exist.

As they embark on an adventure that involves lots of aspects we had talked about doing together, plus my favorite trip, I'm trying to navigate living a life I don't want to live. How is that for getting real?

And here's the thing - you can have some major wins in your life, and still feel like complete and utter shit. Healing and recovery are wild fucking rides. I'm told I am smart, strong, creative, etc., on a daily basis and you want to know what I hang onto? That the person I consider the love of my life once told me I was stupid when he was angry I wouldn't share every detail of the one night stands I've had. Even when I know I'm not. 

So tell me, how do you sleep at night, living a double life?

Oh wait, I know the answer. Very well.


Sunday, August 9, 2020

When the Knife Gets Dug Deeper

This knife in my back seems to be neverending.

One of my favorite trips someone and I took was up north for the fourth of July. For whatever reason, I loved that trip and wanted to turn it into a tradition. Turns out, it could be a return trip, just not with me. It was the one where I was told of course, let's go back in a few years after we've seen other places. It was the one I was hoping he wouldn't take my "twin."

But turns out, no such fucking luck. And damn does that sting. 

Kelly Pickler has said exactly how I feel right now: "You're gonna get married,
have a nice little family, live out my dreams with someone new. But, I've been told that a cheater is always a cheater. I've got my pride, and she's got you."

I know that because the time we were together was a lie from his side so he does not hold the same emotional connection to places and things as I do. Which is why he can galavant with her around to all of the places we've been and talked about going without a second thought (and without her even knowing we had talked about them) and not feel bad. 

Me on the other hand feels all the stings and sadness because hi, that should have been us. Doing the plans we talked about doing together. Not with the human he cheated on me with and respects.

I did go on my first solo hike the other day. It was Fear Factor meets Blair Witch meets Survivor. Pretty sure skull girl saved me from this disaster. I wasn't even on the mountain for five minutes before I got lost, which happened approximately 9805485370 more times, many because of shitty trail markers. 

During one of those missing trail marker times, I kept trying to find the trial and instead found a snake that hissed at me. I screamed and ran, except the moderately trafficked trail was moderately trafficked by me and only me.

If the fact that I made it out of this hike alive is any testament to my strength and resistance (minus January 3), then I know I'm stronger than I've been acting.

But damn does being heartbroken by a NPD/BPD sufferer fucking kill. I wish the ups and downs were more neutral and not so extreme. That's something I've found difficult to deal with. There are days when I am on top and the world and days when I am pretty much underground. I wish I could find the secret to the middle ground because it's not fair to a lot of people when this happens.

So, cheers to still trying to get better, a pipedream that maybe will be a reality.


Friday, August 7, 2020

My Baby Turned 4...

...and I almost missed it. 

I was so worked up about dealing with my mom and the car, humans that shouldn't be occupying space in my brain, and someone else's upcoming event, that I spent all morning Tuesday not realizing it was Lynette Nicole PR's 4th birthday. 

It's a miracle she made it out of the last two years alive. The one thing that someone showed so much interest in at a point in time is one of the many things they tried to destroy. However, they somehow didn't. She survived both that and coronavirus part one. Me on the other hand,..still barely hanging on.

I'm proud of my baby for hanging on for dear life and climbing back up. It's been a wild ride and can't wait to see what the future holds for her, and the industry as a whole. But I know for damn sure, if she goes down it's because of me...not because of a piece of shit who didn't know what they wanted out of life (at the time - I suppose, or I know because I wrote it before, that if you cheat, and do/say the horrific things you did, you clearly know who and what you want now) wanted me to feel the same. Even through hysterics and incoherentness, I never lost sight of my goals or what I wanted. 

That being said...shit is my sixth sense on fire. I'm assuming we can all expect a few giant announcements soon that will send me to meltdown central. But until then I'm going to pretend I'm normal and fine and do the things. 

As I sit here scrolling Twitter and other social media sites, it's insane to think that 2020 could possibly be just as strange as 2019 yet here we fucking are. I feel like I've adapted to some of this craziness better than others because I had already had my world rocked my normal stolen from me. I don't recommend being cheated on, gaslighted, and lied to, it's not as riveting as it sounds, but it has helped me adjust to coronatimes. That is incredibly fucked up. Just as fucked up as doing everything we talked about together with someone else.

Turns out in a pandemic misery doesn't get company so back to the couch solo it is. 

Tomorrow is a another day - will I cry (probably) or enjoy it? Who the fuck knows.