Thursday, August 13, 2020

How Do You Sleep At Night?

I'm seriously obsessed with the Dixie Chicks new album Gaslighter (blog post title song is Sleep At Night). I know I mentioned it a few posts back but it's totally on par with Kalie Shorr's Open Book.

It's embarrassing to be the one who was gaslighted and cheated on. On top of that, even after I knew about the cheating, I was still lied to about it. Mortifying. Seriously, listen to this album. It's incredibly relatable.

It's consistently brought to my attention that I'm strong, stubborn, uncontrollable, etc. All of the things that make me a bad fit for someone who seeks to control others. I mean, yea it worked for a hot minute, but as soon as I stood my ground on the word no, my world fell apart and the secrets came out.

With my distractions taken away, it's easy to revert back to old thinking and habits. I came across an email the other day from one of the first times someone suggested there was a psychological issue in the way he was reacting to things. That you don't just turn love on and off within a few days. I tried to justify it and say oh well, we had just gotten back from my favorite vacation (the one he's taking her on) and I guess that's just how it works. That same week multiple people had suggested similar variations from schizophrenia to bipolar disorder. The strangest part is that none of these people knew each other, so they didn't collectively come up with those things. I talk more about this in the book. We now know about BPD and NPD. Unclear as to which of these four things is worse. 

All I know is that the result is me devastated, hurt, and confused. Them, happy, married, with new pets, living their best lives. Crazy how the person who did all of the bad things to someone gets to be cleared of any wrongdoing and pretend that portion of their life didn't exist.

As they embark on an adventure that involves lots of aspects we had talked about doing together, plus my favorite trip, I'm trying to navigate living a life I don't want to live. How is that for getting real?

And here's the thing - you can have some major wins in your life, and still feel like complete and utter shit. Healing and recovery are wild fucking rides. I'm told I am smart, strong, creative, etc., on a daily basis and you want to know what I hang onto? That the person I consider the love of my life once told me I was stupid when he was angry I wouldn't share every detail of the one night stands I've had. Even when I know I'm not. 

So tell me, how do you sleep at night, living a double life?

Oh wait, I know the answer. Very well.


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