Sunday, August 9, 2020

When the Knife Gets Dug Deeper

This knife in my back seems to be neverending.

One of my favorite trips someone and I took was up north for the fourth of July. For whatever reason, I loved that trip and wanted to turn it into a tradition. Turns out, it could be a return trip, just not with me. It was the one where I was told of course, let's go back in a few years after we've seen other places. It was the one I was hoping he wouldn't take my "twin."

But turns out, no such fucking luck. And damn does that sting. 

Kelly Pickler has said exactly how I feel right now: "You're gonna get married,
have a nice little family, live out my dreams with someone new. But, I've been told that a cheater is always a cheater. I've got my pride, and she's got you."

I know that because the time we were together was a lie from his side so he does not hold the same emotional connection to places and things as I do. Which is why he can galavant with her around to all of the places we've been and talked about going without a second thought (and without her even knowing we had talked about them) and not feel bad. 

Me on the other hand feels all the stings and sadness because hi, that should have been us. Doing the plans we talked about doing together. Not with the human he cheated on me with and respects.

I did go on my first solo hike the other day. It was Fear Factor meets Blair Witch meets Survivor. Pretty sure skull girl saved me from this disaster. I wasn't even on the mountain for five minutes before I got lost, which happened approximately 9805485370 more times, many because of shitty trail markers. 

During one of those missing trail marker times, I kept trying to find the trial and instead found a snake that hissed at me. I screamed and ran, except the moderately trafficked trail was moderately trafficked by me and only me.

If the fact that I made it out of this hike alive is any testament to my strength and resistance (minus January 3), then I know I'm stronger than I've been acting.

But damn does being heartbroken by a NPD/BPD sufferer fucking kill. I wish the ups and downs were more neutral and not so extreme. That's something I've found difficult to deal with. There are days when I am on top and the world and days when I am pretty much underground. I wish I could find the secret to the middle ground because it's not fair to a lot of people when this happens.

So, cheers to still trying to get better, a pipedream that maybe will be a reality.


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