Friday, September 25, 2020

It's Almost "Time" Trial Time

Decided to share some past race gems

Ah, the time trial I am not prepared for. That's really going to be more like a distance trial where I hope I can get 13.1 done without dying.

While others are reading my blog on their vacation (I repeat, I am not stupid contrary to one persons' perception, also, unclear what's so interesting about me on vacation) and squirming for whatever reason (I mean, just enjoy your fantastic company), I am taking my annoyance with it out on the pavement. 

Recovering from an abusive relationship, trying to break a trauma bond, and the frustration that comes with not having recognized the red flags until a professional had to teach them to me (love bombing, gaslighting, future faking, manipulation, walking on eggshells, etc) is annoying. There's nothing comforting about knowing that there are many others who have also been targeted by narcissists and those with BPD. There are so many systems failing that make it so cluster B sufferers can just go on with their lives, targeting amazing empathetic people, and breaking them down. I've watched so many TikTok's about the effects of NPD/BPD abuse and they are all the same, and relatable. The question is always, why the fuck did you destroy me?

This was always a fitness blog so might as well pepper in some running posts.

There's one week until my "time" trial which has really turned into a distance trial.

The half marathon had finally gotten canceled but my coach, anticipating that, had already snuck a time trial on the calendar. Which I was originally excited about, but then I went rogue with my runs.

I got some decent tempos done, I crush a few hills every morning, and my stamina is strong, but I'm not ready to surpass any goals quite yet.

My speed is not where I'm comfortable to go and knock it out of the park, and the longest run I've done in awhile was 10 miles last weekend, where I fell for the first time ever! I feel like I got initiated into some sort of exclusive running club for those who were trying to figure out which way to go and tripped in a ditch and on their own feet. Oopsies (which is exactly what I said when I fell). 

So what's my plan of attack? An easy effort 13.1 on LI. What's easy effort? Solid question. I'm going to definitely push and put effort in, but I don't want to burn out. It's not a real race which means there's more work to be done this year. I'd like to see my pace at a solid 9:20 (goal pace is 8:30) to get comfortable with the distance and speed again. And with how annoyed I am, I imagine I can keep pace.

Distance runs are great for when you're in pain. Not because they also cause you more pain, but eventually you're just running and forget what's going on in your head. I'm not going to forget they went on my favorite vacation together, but I sure as fuck can take my anger out on the pavement. 

Fingers crossed I can go the distance!


Tuesday, September 22, 2020

Let's Talk About Healing

Why do I write all of the things about what happened to me and share them with the world?

Because I need to heal. And, for the same reason that I'm writing the book, there's probably at least one other girl out there like me who has never heard of NPD, BPD, gaslighting, future-faking, love-bombing, etc, and she deserves a fighting chance. If I had recognized any of these things, maybe I wouldn't have had to endure all of this. I do it for the old me.

When you get blindsided with no closure there is one little nagging word that never goes away, or at least it hasn't yet. 


And I know I will never get that answer. I know it won't pop up on anyone's social media, I know that only one person knows the answer, and I know that I'm not respected enough to know. But yes, I still look, hoping that something in a post will answer the question that won't go away. 

Fall vibes on point.

I've come a long way since last June, and have been able to admit and accept certain things but that doesn't mean that things still don't sting. And though I admit and accept things that doesn't mean they make sense to a normal person.

Each day I break the trauma bond a little bit more, but the 'why' always lingers. And I always take a peek to see if maybe today there is a clue, maybe today I'll get the closure I deserved. 

I was always a queen. It was never me that needed the saving.

Fortuantely, I've got plenty that I keep myself occupied with every day, even though it doesn't always seem that way on social media. Truth is, I definitely have more good days than bad now. But they say you should win in private. So that's what I'm going to do while I recover from this shit show. 


Monday, September 21, 2020

"You Can't Love Nothin' Unless There's Somethin' In It For You"

When I started this post, it was a rave review for a book I read, Charming Falls Apart. It's the fiction version of the last six chapters of Life's Better In Yoga Pants.

The key takeaway? They don't change. They cheat, they lie, they take from you, they do all of the things, and even with the girl they cheated on you with, they don't change. 

Me and the main character are twinsies. I couldn't put the book down because there were just too many similarities - public relations, running, cheating and lying exes, losing yourself and not realizing, all of the fucking things. The book was a fascinating look at the fictional version of my life and I'm curious to know where I'd be if lockdown didn't happen. 

I was doing OK going into March. Consistently hanging out with friends, being social, going to yoga and brunch. I was by no means OK or healed, but we were going somewhere. I wonder where I would be if I didn't lose all of these months of recovery, if I didn't have to start from square one again. Would I be able to say I'm happy and fine and actually mean it? Something else that was relatable in Charming Falls Apart was when the owner of the coffee shop (who the MC ends up dating in the end), told her she always looked so put together, you'd never know all of the things. I can't tell you how many times I've been told that someone didn't know something was killing me, literally, because I occasionally can hold my shit together. 

This weekend I discovered my love for TikTok and also found NPD/BPD posts in my for you feed. I have 0 idea how the algorithm works but I discovered a song by Halsey

"But you're not half the man you think that you are
And you can't fill the hole inside of you with money, girls and cars
I'm so glad I never ever had a baby with you
'Cause you can't love nothin' unless there's somethin' in it for you"

I knew the inevitable was coming, that my cheating, NPD/BPD, lying ex was taking the girl he cheated on me with to my favorite vacation spot. When I say favorite, I mean absolutely fucking adored the vacation, the location, and the company (I know, blech all you want). I couldn't wait to go back. It's the one I keep referencing in past posts where he said we'd go back in a few years. 

And of course, he did, with her. To the same spots. Posting the same pictures. Incredibly original. Though I'd like to point out, in addition to the little things, this is the second sloppy seconds-type trip he has taken her on. Though we didn't go on the first one, we talked about it twice. It was also not an original idea, but I guess third times a charm? But this is the one that stings. This was part of the future-faking that narcissists practice to keep you hooked and happy for that moment. 

In addition to reminding myself of what I wrote in the last post, that people like that never change, it's important for me to remember that he has an emotional disconnect, and nothing we did together meant anything to him. That of course he is going to take his forever everywhere to replay the things that we did because with me, it wasn't real. With her, it's reality. I was being used, a placeholder until he found someone he wanted to really enjoy those places with. 

Unfortunately for me, I got played and that trip, among other things, meant so much to me. 

Because like Halsey said, I had no warning about who he really was. 

Well, back to the TikTok, oh and work. 


Monday, September 14, 2020

Complacency Does Not = Changed

Since quarantine started and I moved, I'd only spent one night away and it was at my mother's and it was naturally a disaster, hence why I only do day-trips to see her. 

This past weekend I jumped into my Jeep with one of my girlfriends and we went on a mini-getaway to the Catskills, Phoenicia to be exact.

Wow, what a fabulous weekend! And brownie points to my friend for putting up with my whining 20-year-old car, and whining 31-year-old me.

On our way up, we stopped at the Woodstock Brewery and had outside lunch in fresh, crisp air while staring at the mountains. 

We checked into the cutest "motel" I've ever been to - The Graham & Co. Naturally, the first thing we did was buy the respective t-shirts we had each been eyeing since booking the room. 

Next? Beer and books by the pool. The sun was hot, but the saltwater pool was freezing. It was still amazing since I hadn't been in a pool all summer; We floated, read, drank, and eventually decided it was time for dinner.

At this point you should definitely start taking notes about how many times I say cute in this post, because Peekamoose Restaurant was also the cutest! 

Wanting to sit outside (mainly me because I'm a no-go on indoor dining still), we grabbed drinks at the takeaway window and went to sit in their lawn/garden area that had picnic tables and a bonfire. Even the outdoor seating area where we dined was so chic and cozy. 

We couldn't wait to get back to the hotel, not just because we were freezing but also because s'mores. We chose the smaller fire since the one on the lawn was already occupied by a group.

Breakfast was delivered to our door in the cutest little box and I want this every day. In addition to coffee, our breakfast consisted of a fresh fruit cup, Chobani yogurt, delicious granola, a banana, and the most important part of a well-balanced breakfast, an apple cider donut. 

We decided to hike before our only set activity for the weekend, which turned into a mini-off-roading trip. The trail was to Diamond Notch Falls, and it was via Diamond Notch Road. It was so serene and peaceful. The "peak" (the waterfalls) was beautiful and it we had more time, it would have been awesome to swim around. But we didn't because we were Late with a capital L. We BOOKED it back to the car, as fast as one can on shifting rocks and some obstacles. And flew to the Rail Explorers site and literally made it just before they were about to take off and we'd lose our spot and money. 

Afterwards we were absolutely starving and inhaled our personal pizzas by the pool before decided that dinner was going to be ice cream and dessert was more s'mores, and a little bit of red wine. 

Adventure day completed.

On the way home we decided to make a few stops. We walked around the very tiny town of Phoenicia and bought all of the things. Then headed over to Woodstock because #bread. Oh and also my friend had never been. Lastly, we stopped by an orchard for apple picking and a beer. 

Which, after a long-winded 43883 paragraphs brings me to the title of this post - complacency does not equal changed. Sitting at our picnic table, rehashing the weekend and all life things, we talked about how some men, especially those with personality disorders such as NPD/BPD, rarely change. Though it looks like it from the outside, they are still the same. The person they are now targeting and are with may just be more complacent than you or I was. Them being OK with behavior, knowing about past abuse, and potentially losing who they are, does not mean he changed. It's something I need to remind myself of often, and start actually believing it. 

I've always been super grateful that the one thing that wasn't stolen from me was my ambition. I never stopped thinking there weren't things I couldn't do, and never stopped trying new things, even if they failed or didn't start perfectly. Now I need to ambitiously remind myself that someone else's complacency and what they're willing to settle for, doesn't' mean he changed. There's always a common denominator even when the numerator changes. That's how things add up and you start to see patterns.

Now that I'm feeling super refreshed and am ready for my beach vacation, I'm going to take advantage before I take by two steps back.


Tuesday, September 8, 2020

Oh, Did The Seasons Change Again?

We are now in our third season of this shit show pandemic. And I've somehow managed to completely backslide. Mainly because I wasn't anywhere close to recovered before this started. 

Septembers usually feel like a new start. Back to school, the leaves change, it's cozy, etc. This year doesn't. It's also suicide awareness month and as I mentioned in the last post, there are days where I'm so angry that I'm still alive and days where I'm grateful. You literally don't know what kind of mood I'll wake up in. It's only been just over 9 months and that feels like a lifetime ago. 

It doesn't matter how many plans I have, there's still the loneliness of sitting at home. And because I'm home so much nowadays, it's easy to think about the two of them married, living their best life with their little family. It's fun when you don't know how long someone was cheating on you and how long they've really been together. I mean, I could be the other woman, not the other way around.

I've cried almost non-stop for a week now. Why? Who knows. Every so often the pain just overtakes everything and it's back to square one wondering what the fuck happened and how. 

I found another badass wellness influencer whose posts also somehow turned into educating about narcissistic abuse. I'm not glad that we share that in common but I'm glad that she sheds light on what it really is too. Narcissism is not  just "Oh look at me I'm the shit." I of course reached out and told her about my experience and my book

She too witnessed the throwing and punching of things. For me, it was watching him punch a coffee pot and wondering, was I next? And throwing beautiful wine glasses I got him at the sink because something didn't go correctly and he got frustrated. Can you imagine having to wonder that if someone could punch a coffee pot so hard that they DAMAGED THE WALL AND PLUG THING if they were going to do that to you too?

It's the middle of the day so I still have some work and overthinking to do.


Friday, September 4, 2020

Still Feeling The Feels...Surprise?

During one of my first practices back with my team last year, someone who hadn't seen me in over a year was excited and said what's going on? Are you married yet?!

Cue wanting to die. The phrase no he cheated on me and left never gets easier or feels better. 

Fast forward to today, when someone asked the same question via text. Now I get to add no, he cheated and they have a little family together in Brooklyn. How quintessential. 

I spend a lot of time pondering why I wasn't one of those girls who just doesn't care that the love of her life cheated on her, left her, gaslighted her, etc. Why am I an unlucky human who has to feel the feels?

I know the reality of escaping an abusive relationship does make me lucky. And I know that having feelings is good (and normal) too. And as a friend reminded me, I'm not alone in feeling this way and that people are in just as much pain for just as long behind the scenes. I'm just slightly more expressive. Also, I really love this article that was in my PureWow newsletter about gaslighting

Hiking alone gives me lots of time with my own sad thoughts. It's a constant battle to remind myself to stay present. I often go back and forth between being upset that I'm still alive and going wow I'm so glad I was alive to see this. My weekly girl chat date with my friend in DC is a constant reminder that we are also still in a pandemic. She reminds me every week that all my distractions are gone and even if they are coming back, they are not as easily accessible as they were pre-March. 

One thing I brought up to a friend that was really getting to me recently (in a sad, upset way) was that I rarely doubt myself. I've never had imposter syndrome. I never think that I can't do something. And not once did I doubt that I wasn't good enough for him. And I never thought this would end up being my life.