Why do I write all of the things about what happened to me and share them with the world?
Because I need to heal. And, for the same reason that I'm writing the book, there's probably at least one other girl out there like me who has never heard of NPD, BPD, gaslighting, future-faking, love-bombing, etc, and she deserves a fighting chance. If I had recognized any of these things, maybe I wouldn't have had to endure all of this. I do it for the old me.
When you get blindsided with no closure there is one little nagging word that never goes away, or at least it hasn't yet.
And I know I will never get that answer. I know it won't pop up on anyone's social media, I know that only one person knows the answer, and I know that I'm not respected enough to know. But yes, I still look, hoping that something in a post will answer the question that won't go away.
Fall vibes on point.
I've come a long way since last June, and have been able to admit and accept certain things but that doesn't mean that things still don't sting. And though I admit and accept things that doesn't mean they make sense to a normal person.
Each day I break the trauma bond a little bit more, but the 'why' always lingers. And I always take a peek to see if maybe today there is a clue, maybe today I'll get the closure I deserved.
I was always a queen. It was never me that needed the saving.
Fortuantely, I've got plenty that I keep myself occupied with every day, even though it doesn't always seem that way on social media. Truth is, I definitely have more good days than bad now. But they say you should win in private. So that's what I'm going to do while I recover from this shit show.
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