Tuesday, September 8, 2020

Oh, Did The Seasons Change Again?

We are now in our third season of this shit show pandemic. And I've somehow managed to completely backslide. Mainly because I wasn't anywhere close to recovered before this started. 

Septembers usually feel like a new start. Back to school, the leaves change, it's cozy, etc. This year doesn't. It's also suicide awareness month and as I mentioned in the last post, there are days where I'm so angry that I'm still alive and days where I'm grateful. You literally don't know what kind of mood I'll wake up in. It's only been just over 9 months and that feels like a lifetime ago. 

It doesn't matter how many plans I have, there's still the loneliness of sitting at home. And because I'm home so much nowadays, it's easy to think about the two of them married, living their best life with their little family. It's fun when you don't know how long someone was cheating on you and how long they've really been together. I mean, I could be the other woman, not the other way around.

I've cried almost non-stop for a week now. Why? Who knows. Every so often the pain just overtakes everything and it's back to square one wondering what the fuck happened and how. 

I found another badass wellness influencer whose posts also somehow turned into educating about narcissistic abuse. I'm not glad that we share that in common but I'm glad that she sheds light on what it really is too. Narcissism is not  just "Oh look at me I'm the shit." I of course reached out and told her about my experience and my book

She too witnessed the throwing and punching of things. For me, it was watching him punch a coffee pot and wondering, was I next? And throwing beautiful wine glasses I got him at the sink because something didn't go correctly and he got frustrated. Can you imagine having to wonder that if someone could punch a coffee pot so hard that they DAMAGED THE WALL AND PLUG THING if they were going to do that to you too?

It's the middle of the day so I still have some work and overthinking to do.


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