During one of my first practices back with my team last year, someone who hadn't seen me in over a year was excited and said what's going on? Are you married yet?!
Cue wanting to die. The phrase no he cheated on me and left never gets easier or feels better.
Fast forward to today, when someone asked the same question via text. Now I get to add no, he cheated and they have a little family together in Brooklyn. How quintessential.
I spend a lot of time pondering why I wasn't one of those girls who just doesn't care that the love of her life cheated on her, left her, gaslighted her, etc. Why am I an unlucky human who has to feel the feels?
I know the reality of escaping an abusive relationship does make me lucky. And I know that having feelings is good (and normal) too. And as a friend reminded me, I'm not alone in feeling this way and that people are in just as much pain for just as long behind the scenes. I'm just slightly more expressive. Also, I really love this article that was in my PureWow newsletter about gaslighting.
Hiking alone gives me lots of time with my own sad thoughts. It's a constant battle to remind myself to stay present. I often go back and forth between being upset that I'm still alive and going wow I'm so glad I was alive to see this. My weekly girl chat date with my friend in DC is a constant reminder that we are also still in a pandemic. She reminds me every week that all my distractions are gone and even if they are coming back, they are not as easily accessible as they were pre-March.
One thing I brought up to a friend that was really getting to me recently (in a sad, upset way) was that I rarely doubt myself. I've never had imposter syndrome. I never think that I can't do something. And not once did I doubt that I wasn't good enough for him. And I never thought this would end up being my life.