Wednesday, October 28, 2020

Onto The Next Running Goal

I love Q4 and fall in PR because things are in full swing and everyone is busy pitching their little hearts out whether it's to media for placements or to secure new clients for Q1. 

Earlier this month I finally got my "time" trial in which was really just a distance trial and making sure my legs still had it in them, considering I just stopped following my training plan (sorry coach Jessica!). 

Running in the 'burbs is just easier so I headed to LI since I had to be there for a surprise birthday dinner I planned for my mom's 60th anyway. 

Once I arrived, I grabbed my sister who was my bike support and headed out for a casual but with a little effort 13.1. 

I chose a route that ended us back home because you can't just grab a Citi Bike on Long Island when you finish your run nowhere near when you're supposed to be. It was actually a large portion of what my 10-mile training runs used to be when I lived there. 

Did it hurt? Yes. 

Did I finish? Yes.

Did I almost get run over a lot because I'm used to running in the street here and tried that on LI? Also yes. 

For today, I'm content with a 2:05 that felt like I pushed just a little, but was mostly effortless. 

There's no reason that next May, when the race I was supposed to run twice this year, presumably kicks off, that I can't surpass the goal I set. You do run fast when actually racing after all.

I'm currently nursing an injury that was given to me by a PT so am hoping with a little strength training and rest, it goes away again. Have you ever gone to the PT for a left hamstring problem and went home with a right hip injury that never existed? Just me? PT's are covered under medical malpractice so I get to live with this lovely injury now. 

I did sign up for a REAL LIVE IN PERSON 5K in two weeks so I'm pretty excited to get out there. With my hip the way it is, it's going to be a slow and steady run but it's a race nonetheless. 

So what's next?

Crushing that half marathon goal and hopefully crushing NYC. There's been no updates as to whether or not the big 2021 races will go off and we haven't been able to choose our resolution year but I'm super hopeful that I can also go for it in NYC. 

Running has been one thing that's keeping me relatively sane during this pandemic, abuse and trauma recovery and work from home. 


Friday, October 2, 2020

New Month, New Fav

How did we get to October?

September was...weird. Our least favorite duo went on another unoriginal trip that happened to include my absolute fav, my training was inconsistent, work picked up, and I have a new found love for TikTok. 

I created a TikTok account to watch a few violinists who were more active there than on Instagram. And rarely opened it but for whatever reason, last month I did. And I got sucked into my For You page which had kittens, dogs, music, dancing, etc. I couldn't look away! 

And like every good app, it must have been spying on my personal data because somewhere along the line, the algorithm started including narc abuse videos. Again, the creepiest part of narcissistic and borderline abuse is how it's all the fucking same. It blows my mind when people post about what they went through or what their narc said, and I'm like wait, I've heard that before! 

But (because the app spies let's get real, I work with a security expert), there it all was and I am obsessed. I even recorded Hasley's I Feel So Sad on the violin for it. If I knew TikTok would help me make it through the days, I would have gotten this app way earlier. 

There are so many takeaway's I could share but here are some of my favs paired with their TikToks:

1. Gaslighting is more than confusion, it's also telling you how you feel, what you want, etc. It's twisting facts. Like when mine tried to convince me I had dated someone 13 years ago I know for a 126% fact that I never did. Sorry, what? Were you there? TikTok

2. I'm not supposed to hate the new supply. I'm also not supposed to do a lot of things I know I shouldn't so we'll acknowledge and skip this. TikTok

3. Narcs notoriously re-live relationships with the next girl. It's still real shitty about this part but at least I know I'm not alone in that pain. They also don't take the time to heal in between relationships making it easy to bring along that baggage to the new girl. Especially when you cheat on someone, you're definitely never giving yourself alone time. But let's get real, the narc never did anything wrong so why would they take time to themselves? Better to love bomb, lockdown, and marry the next than better yourself! TikTok/Another

4. The aftermath is the worst. I think this video is incredibly powerful and accurate. TikTok

5. The word destroyed is used on TikTok to describe life after narc/borderline abuse more times than how many times I've said it. But...notice the suffix. TikTok

The moral of the story that I've learned from TikTok is that is doesn't matter if they are married for one or 10 years, living together, have fur (or human) babies, relive more of my relationship or whatever, narcs/borderline sufferers don't change. They learn how to hide the flags better, get better at mirroring and projecting, and keep the mask up, but unless a miracle happens, they are still the same person inside. And, a reminder that NPD/BPD are personality disorders - this is LEARNED behavior, NOT a chemical imbalance.

The beauty of the girl that was abused is that she knows who the fuck she is still. She learned all about why her behavior has been so abnormal, how it was a normal reaction to abuse, why it happens, and all of the things. The difference between the narc and the abused? The abused can glow up like you've never seen and you should be more scared of a girl who overcame abuse vs the abuser. TikTok