Thursday, December 17, 2020

Holidaying When You Still Don't Want To Holiday

The best thing that came out of this shit show was that I have a wonderful friend who is actually into traditions and Thanksgiving will always be spent in paradise. Forever grateful for my island crew for welcoming me with open arms. 

Before last year, I was ALL about the holidays. Parties, decor, cozy little decked-out bars, just constantly being with my best friends. This is the second year where I want nothing to do with the holidays and I'm not sure if that joy will ever return. So much was stolen from me and while some of it I've been able to tug back to my side, there's still a lot that was taken to Brooklyn. 

I'm proud that I can finally, confidently, say this wasn't my fault.

Though just because I know that doesn't mean this still doesn't hurt. It doesn't erase the fact that narcissistic and borderline abuse nearly killed me. It's also the holidays so the hurt and pain is elevated x 300 for me. 

What really sucks about this year was that by March, I was doing better-ish. I was coherent, I maybe even laughed a little, I learned that my friends preferred me alive and miserable vs not alive, I was doing the things that I enjoyed without receiving exasperated sighs and snide remarks, I was reluctantly enjoying things. 

Then the pandemic rolled me back to day one, Tuesday, June 25. When you're sitting home alone, in a new apartment where you know no one in the building, and the days just keep getting longer,  you easily revert back to the "Why did he cheat on me so many times?" "Why did he cheat on me with someone who's practically my twin?" "Why did she get everything I was hoping for so quickly - moving in, cats, a future?" "Why is he re-living our relationship with her?" My brain went back to mush for so long. It was like those pregnancy pictures - 9 months into healing, then 9 months reversed.

But like my last post said, this wasn't my fault. And the fact that I can say that gives me a big W. I even brought the business he made an effort to destroy back to life during a pandemic. And there were so many more positives about this year that happened after the initial re-wallowing, and there is so much more to come. 

So no, my life and holidays will never be the same again but even when you don't want to holiday, you end up holidaying because #newapartment. And yes, my Christmas playlist is loaded with all the sad holiday songs.

Also, to whoever else needs to hear this right now, since the holidays are tough as shit, you're enough. 

If someone calls themself a piece of shit, they're telling you the truth (yes I learned this the hard way and my therapist looked at me like, he quite literally told you) and you need to take your rose-colored glasses off. Let them be someone else's piece of shit. Let them give the other person the world you wanted. Let them be with someone who is just as OK with cheating, manipulation, gaslighting, projecting, and abuse as they are. 

At the end of the day, that a win for you. 


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