Monday, June 21, 2021

Time Stood Still

For some, it feels like time won't slow down, for others like myself, time stood still while it moved for others.  

I started this post in mid-April, and never got around to finishing it.  As much as I wish there was, there is no rule book on what to do when your life falls apart. Even Life's Better In Yoga Pants isn't meant to be a guide for that - just relatable experiences. 

Yes, I'm fully aware that the narcissist never cared about anyone until now apparently. There are so many things I've had to become aware of...on top of what I had already known. 

On Friday, it will mark two years. It's no secret that the lows were super low. Every day is a new battle but still a step forward. 

I didn't deserve what the narc did to me, but I did deserve an adult conversation. When you tell someone their family doesn't matter, they refuse to hang out with their friends and even tell them what kind of earrings to wear, it's still a bit heartbreaking when they do the complete opposite with the person they cheated on you with, their new forever. However, I've been told that being a strong, independent woman can be intimidating, and though I did lose myself for a little, I ultimately cannot be controlled. I can be forever traumatized though - dating someone who was your the one, who is known to have NPD and BPD can do a number on a girl. 

That being said, having a destroyed heart doesn't mean I can't do fun things. 

Because I do laugh, smile, and enjoy myself. Sometimes it's forced, other times it's genuine. Most days I can get out of bed, other days I have to remember that I'm supposed to stay alive. And 100% of the days I remember that I am unbreakable. That I'm not the one dating a lying narc, that I won't grow old with someone who didn't end the cycle of abuse and just kept it going, that I never have to have to endure the pain again, just the aftermath. 

I've got my few close friends that haven't left my side the past two years and damn am I grateful for them. Cheers to a summer full of adventures! 


Wednesday, March 17, 2021

And Just Like, We're Back Where We Started

A year ago, I was doing OK. Living, participating in activities, trying to focus on this new life I got stuck with. Then boom - the world stopped (as if mine hadn't already 😂). 

According to news sources, today marks the day that we began closing everything but the essentials. If I thought the nine months leading up to the pandemic that I didn't know was going to happen were hard and challenging, I was in for a shock to my system. 

Let's take a short trip down memory lane. 

First and foremost, the only answer to any of the questions I had is the same as it was - a borderline, narcissistic abuser will never give you the closure you want or deserve, and they treat you like shit on purpose. They know what they are doing, they think it's funny and that the other person is always the problem. What someone else did to me is not my fault. 

April was filled with silence, empty streets, and sirens all day and night. It was probably the month where I saw the least amount of people as well. All we could do was hope the ambulance wasn't going to our friend's houses. 

I was reminded about how much I despise working from home, and with no other humans around. This extrovert does not do this. 

I was also reminded about how social I am.

Can you tell that I hated quarantine yet?

And though I regained my physical health, my mental health completely tanked again. When you are locked at home, alone, it's very easy for your mind to go back to asking all the questions. There's nothing fun about continuing to relive the cheating, lying, future-faking and gaslighting, in your head all over again because there's literally nothing to do. I went from doing well in March 2020, to taking a 9-month step back.  

There were curfews, "block parties," mask-shaming, fighting, roads shut down to cars, riots, the list goes on. 

In short, the past year plus the nine months prior were fucking bad. Terrible. 0/10 will never recommend. 

BUT that doesn't mean good things weren't happening. 

For the first half of the pandemic, my running was on 🔥! It took a hit after I finally hit my holy shit pandemic moment in August, and when I got injured in October. But I'm back and ready to get fast before my big fall race!

I got my first paddleboard! It's an inflatable which is perfect for my apartment and transportation. I've always wanted one because I enjoy paddling and I'm so glad I can go whenever I want now. It's a great summer activity that can be done upstate or on LI! 

I got to hike so many new-to-me mountains and even conquered some rock scrambling. I'm excited-not-excited to do Breakneck this spring. 

Weekend trips were in abundance to wherever was in a driveable distance! Phoenicia, Poconos, New Hapmshire, LI...

Pandemic panic purchase. 

Furnished my new apartment and made it look semi-adult-like. 

[Reprsentative of Christina, Danielle and Bianca]

Got to spend extra time with best friends, and friends who were acquaintances and became an important part of my life because we overcame the worst of the pandemic together. I also got a surprise visit from a very old friend!

On the contrary, I also lost some friends. 

Started playing the violin again and invested in lessons! 

Got a new snowboard and spent some time on the mountains. I'm excited to get back into it and hopefully get into the park before I'm 40 (just a few jumps and a rail is all I want!).

Found a virtual Pilates studio I love.

Tried out a shit ton of new recipes. 

Speaking of Pilates, I got to keep my local consumer series going longer than its normal summer season! 

And most importantly, I learned how to live with a destroyed heart while doing things I enjoy. 

What's next? I have no idea, but does anyone really know? I'm excited to start getting back to normal and seeing how the rest of the year goes. There are so many great things happening for me right now and I'm just glad I don't have a narc around to ruin it for me.



Friday, January 29, 2021

Skip Please

Is it 2021 or 2020? I can't tell with the continuation of bullshit.

I would give anything to skip ahead to when I don't feel the effects of the narcissistic and borderline abuse, and the world was burning down in front of my eyes. But, like, that would be when I'm dead and that didn't work too well for me last time.

We're a month into the New Year and it feels no different than last, maybe even worse? I don't know.

But despite it all, I was both reminded by myself and a close friend how lucky I am. That I am no longer in an abusive relationship. That I don't have someone picking me apart every day, disrespecting me, trying to control me, and just overall putting me down. That someone is no longer trying to destroy my business. It was exhausting. And looking back at pictures, you can see how worn down I was.

I saw two really great TikTok's this week that I really liked:

Despite all of the crappy things from COVID, them living that cozy, newlywed-vibe life in BK, the blocking and of unblocking me on Insta, a slower-than-expected start to the work year, and of course my usual sadness and depression, I'm slightly better than I've been. Dare I even answer the question how are you with "good!"? Yes.

A year ago, I was still trying to crawl out of under a rock. I was definitely not quite coherent yet. Today, I'm coherent, I have talking topics, I can participate in activities (my friends are grateful!), I make significantly more jokes about the abuse vs crying about it, and I'm so grateful I will never be the subject of his hot and cold behavior ever again. (But like my emotions are still a surprise so proceed with caution)
Figuring out who I am without an abuser by my side is my goal. The reality of this is, I went from nine months of being basically dead then straight to lockdown for almost over a year. I never got the opportunity to get to know who I was in normal life.

Ultimately, abusers never change. They learn to adapt. Like a chameleon. And the more complacent their person is, the easier it is for them it is to keep their mask on. My friend sent me a quote that opened with "Not being abused by a man who abused others isn't winning some contest." And I am no longer the one who will ever have to walk on eggshells and have to guess someone else's mood or deal with emotional abuse out of nowhere. Never knowing when someone will just blow up is both terrifying and not worth one's sanity.

I am pretty pumped that I have less than six chapters to finish for Life's Better In Yoga Pants. And I'm signing my cover contract in one month!!

I'm very much looking forward to this pandemic being over, re-finding myself, becoming a better version of who I was, and discovering who I am without the person I thought was always going to be by my side. I am my father's daughter, and that should scare the shit out of anyone who thinks that if they push me down that I will stay there. 

It's wine time, so cheers to another mountain weekend!


Monday, January 4, 2021

Long Story Short - I Survived

I started 2020 basically dead. When you hit rock bottom and survive, there's really no place to go but up.

And that's just where I went.

I've recapped a lot of my year and how I've been feeling and been brutally honest about it, not hiding much of anything. That being said, and I wrote this in my Instagram post from the other day, most people use social and their blog as a highlight reel, I tend to use it as a lowlight reel. 

I think that your inner circle deserves to celebrate your wins and those who use a prominent-educational institution's Instagram account to look at Instagram stories do not. And 2020 - while it was yah know, 2020 - had some seriously awesome wins. And yep, when my mojo comes back, I can be a super petty bitch. 

I'm so very grateful for the ones who stayed by my side and never left, even when they were going through their own things. It takes some really amazing people to be able to do that. 

To ring in the New Year, I went to the Poconos and the weekend really set the tone for 2021- more adventures with great humans. I don't think I've let myself laugh like that or have that much fun in a long time. I can't wait for the adventures that this year holds. 

I deserved that. And I'm so glad I let myself have fun and not worry about my Instagram being looked at because what in the world are people looking for? Happy people in happy long-term relationships shouldn't worry about how well or not well I'm doing. All anyone really needs to know is that I'm a badass who can overcome anything.

So yea, the past year and a half has been a bad time, but long story short - I survived. And my future's looking real bright.