Friday, January 29, 2021

Skip Please

Is it 2021 or 2020? I can't tell with the continuation of bullshit.

I would give anything to skip ahead to when I don't feel the effects of the narcissistic and borderline abuse, and the world was burning down in front of my eyes. But, like, that would be when I'm dead and that didn't work too well for me last time.

We're a month into the New Year and it feels no different than last, maybe even worse? I don't know.

But despite it all, I was both reminded by myself and a close friend how lucky I am. That I am no longer in an abusive relationship. That I don't have someone picking me apart every day, disrespecting me, trying to control me, and just overall putting me down. That someone is no longer trying to destroy my business. It was exhausting. And looking back at pictures, you can see how worn down I was.

I saw two really great TikTok's this week that I really liked:

Despite all of the crappy things from COVID, them living that cozy, newlywed-vibe life in BK, the blocking and of unblocking me on Insta, a slower-than-expected start to the work year, and of course my usual sadness and depression, I'm slightly better than I've been. Dare I even answer the question how are you with "good!"? Yes.

A year ago, I was still trying to crawl out of under a rock. I was definitely not quite coherent yet. Today, I'm coherent, I have talking topics, I can participate in activities (my friends are grateful!), I make significantly more jokes about the abuse vs crying about it, and I'm so grateful I will never be the subject of his hot and cold behavior ever again. (But like my emotions are still a surprise so proceed with caution)
Figuring out who I am without an abuser by my side is my goal. The reality of this is, I went from nine months of being basically dead then straight to lockdown for almost over a year. I never got the opportunity to get to know who I was in normal life.

Ultimately, abusers never change. They learn to adapt. Like a chameleon. And the more complacent their person is, the easier it is for them it is to keep their mask on. My friend sent me a quote that opened with "Not being abused by a man who abused others isn't winning some contest." And I am no longer the one who will ever have to walk on eggshells and have to guess someone else's mood or deal with emotional abuse out of nowhere. Never knowing when someone will just blow up is both terrifying and not worth one's sanity.

I am pretty pumped that I have less than six chapters to finish for Life's Better In Yoga Pants. And I'm signing my cover contract in one month!!

I'm very much looking forward to this pandemic being over, re-finding myself, becoming a better version of who I was, and discovering who I am without the person I thought was always going to be by my side. I am my father's daughter, and that should scare the shit out of anyone who thinks that if they push me down that I will stay there. 

It's wine time, so cheers to another mountain weekend!


Monday, January 4, 2021

Long Story Short - I Survived

I started 2020 basically dead. When you hit rock bottom and survive, there's really no place to go but up.

And that's just where I went.

I've recapped a lot of my year and how I've been feeling and been brutally honest about it, not hiding much of anything. That being said, and I wrote this in my Instagram post from the other day, most people use social and their blog as a highlight reel, I tend to use it as a lowlight reel. 

I think that your inner circle deserves to celebrate your wins and those who use a prominent-educational institution's Instagram account to look at Instagram stories do not. And 2020 - while it was yah know, 2020 - had some seriously awesome wins. And yep, when my mojo comes back, I can be a super petty bitch. 

I'm so very grateful for the ones who stayed by my side and never left, even when they were going through their own things. It takes some really amazing people to be able to do that. 

To ring in the New Year, I went to the Poconos and the weekend really set the tone for 2021- more adventures with great humans. I don't think I've let myself laugh like that or have that much fun in a long time. I can't wait for the adventures that this year holds. 

I deserved that. And I'm so glad I let myself have fun and not worry about my Instagram being looked at because what in the world are people looking for? Happy people in happy long-term relationships shouldn't worry about how well or not well I'm doing. All anyone really needs to know is that I'm a badass who can overcome anything.

So yea, the past year and a half has been a bad time, but long story short - I survived. And my future's looking real bright.