Friday, January 29, 2021

Skip Please

Is it 2021 or 2020? I can't tell with the continuation of bullshit.

I would give anything to skip ahead to when I don't feel the effects of the narcissistic and borderline abuse, and the world was burning down in front of my eyes. But, like, that would be when I'm dead and that didn't work too well for me last time.

We're a month into the New Year and it feels no different than last, maybe even worse? I don't know.

But despite it all, I was both reminded by myself and a close friend how lucky I am. That I am no longer in an abusive relationship. That I don't have someone picking me apart every day, disrespecting me, trying to control me, and just overall putting me down. That someone is no longer trying to destroy my business. It was exhausting. And looking back at pictures, you can see how worn down I was.

I saw two really great TikTok's this week that I really liked:

Despite all of the crappy things from COVID, them living that cozy, newlywed-vibe life in BK, the blocking and of unblocking me on Insta, a slower-than-expected start to the work year, and of course my usual sadness and depression, I'm slightly better than I've been. Dare I even answer the question how are you with "good!"? Yes.

A year ago, I was still trying to crawl out of under a rock. I was definitely not quite coherent yet. Today, I'm coherent, I have talking topics, I can participate in activities (my friends are grateful!), I make significantly more jokes about the abuse vs crying about it, and I'm so grateful I will never be the subject of his hot and cold behavior ever again. (But like my emotions are still a surprise so proceed with caution)
Figuring out who I am without an abuser by my side is my goal. The reality of this is, I went from nine months of being basically dead then straight to lockdown for almost over a year. I never got the opportunity to get to know who I was in normal life.

Ultimately, abusers never change. They learn to adapt. Like a chameleon. And the more complacent their person is, the easier it is for them it is to keep their mask on. My friend sent me a quote that opened with "Not being abused by a man who abused others isn't winning some contest." And I am no longer the one who will ever have to walk on eggshells and have to guess someone else's mood or deal with emotional abuse out of nowhere. Never knowing when someone will just blow up is both terrifying and not worth one's sanity.

I am pretty pumped that I have less than six chapters to finish for Life's Better In Yoga Pants. And I'm signing my cover contract in one month!!

I'm very much looking forward to this pandemic being over, re-finding myself, becoming a better version of who I was, and discovering who I am without the person I thought was always going to be by my side. I am my father's daughter, and that should scare the shit out of anyone who thinks that if they push me down that I will stay there. 

It's wine time, so cheers to another mountain weekend!


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